after 10 years, finally writing an entry again.

there's nothing to write though.  it's mostly been work, school, work, school... gad! when did my life get so dull??? (since birth? hehehe).  seriously, i've been swamped by papers for the last couple of weeks.  i took the wrong cognate classes.  demanding na sa time, puro paper works and research pa! hayay...  in fairness, they are pretty interesting.  learning alot about the preschool stuff.

when i got into preschool, i really dunno anything about the actual handling of classes.  i'm more of into one-on-one.  thank gad the first semester i had to share with josh!  i've sorotf gotten the hang of it... sortof being the operative word!  i'm still trying to work on having 12 super kulet kids.  they're fun to be with on their own.  but together!  gusto ko ng magmura!

then there's clinic.  more papers for clinic.  sheesh.  medyo insecure ako sa clinic though.  it's been a while since i've handled kids talaga in pedia set-up.  objectively, i think i'm doing a good job.  but i can do more.  i know i'm supposed to do more.  it's nakakainis na there's no other PT in the clinic that i could discuss my patients with.  there are OTs there, but its not the same thing.  shempre different focus.  i need feed back!  plus, i know i'm not that strong.  PT IS physical work...  may endurance is getting better though.  i don't get as tired as before.  and may increase in strength na.  sana lang!  still...

usapang love life... ay change subject! hahaha!  there was a prospect, but can not be.  never mind.  i have bad taste.  i have no taste actually.  hahaha!

the ate in the school will be having a baby one of these days.  possibly today.  she bled na last night eh.  mega advice the other teachers kanina.  shempre what do i know about that.  i did pick up alot though.  apparently, although cesarian seems to be the painless way to go, natural birth is still better.  kasi one time big time lang the pain.  with cesarian, when the drug wears off, it feels like somebody left a scissors in your tummy daw.  yaks!  sana pwedeng instant baby na lang.  tipong, just add hot water. 

i will post better stuff balang araw when my brain starts working again... 

if you want to die but have no will to commit suicide, does that make you a failed suicide?

it's sad.  i feel nothing.  i wish i could be psychologically brain damaged, then i'd have an excuse.  but i'm pretty rational... and not depressed... or just hopelessly in denial? hehehe...  i don't get this way often.  it just comes and goes.  usually when i have "me" time.  i guess, i'm a bad influence to myself. 

i'm thinking thats the main reason i got so stuck with ex for the longest time.  he made me feel something.  anything is better than nothing.  for someone so emotionlly hyper-active, it's weird hearing this from me.  maybe i'm just addicted to the high.

how long does the withdrawal symptoms lasts?

i had this very strange dream a couple of weeks ago:

it took place in a pet store.  there was this big circular container of sorts with lots and lots and lots of mice of all colors.  the container was divided into compartments, maing it look like one huge plastic pizza but with another circle in the middle.  the middle part isn't divided into compartmnts, and it's quite spacious.  it's sort of like a funnel, only there's no hole going down at the center.  per conpartment, there's one specie of mice.  but each was overflowing.  the overflows fell into the center circle.  in the center circle was this huge, ugly looking black rat.  the one with the long pointy nose and sharp teeth and claws... the scary kind.  he would kill and prolly eat (coz i couldn't see any dead mouse at the center but i know he killed a lot already) all the mice that spilled out of their compartment.  its sort of like a survivor thing where only the strongest and the smartest survive.  then he got very aggressive, andstarted picking out the mice still in their compartments.

then i woke up.

our topic today was about bones, and why they are important.  i read them the story "the skeleton inside of you".  some of the kids kasi we're scared of the book.  monster daw.  so, para they could get over their fear, we talked about it. the book showed pics of what they would look like if they don't have bones.  jelly fish ito.  so like, bones help them jump and run and walk. after the story they had to put on their socks and shoes na.  my little girl suddenly slipped.

me: are you ok?

kiddie: yes.  my bones slip.

ayus! batang bright!

just the other day, an old high school barkada texted.  she's leaving for the states.  she's been long overdue to leave, but the tests took time, and i think she was having fun playing nurse still in pgh.  but now all the papers are done, so fly na sha.

thinking about it, from my high school friends, i'm the only one who's still here.  everyone else has up and left already.  my closest friend from college might be leaving next year too.

everybody's leaving.  give it a couple more years.  i'd probably be stuck with no one here in the philippines.

maybe it's a sign.  maybe i should really leave.  maybe i have been fighting against the inevitable.

i would rather stay here though.  in spite of the horrible people in the politics, our crummy economy, and just basically being in the this hell-hole called the philippines, i like it.  or maybe i just don't like change.  i've never really been comfortable with change.  i hate having to re-adjust my life and routines.  that's why i get stuck in vicious cycles... i hate change.  but, it's part of living.  i have to learn to swallow that and adapt.

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts
Let me sing you a waltz
About this one night stand

You were for me that night
Everything I always dreamt of in life
But now you're gone
You are far gone
All the way to your island of rain

It was for you just a one night thing
But you were much more to me
Just so you know

I hear rumors about you
About all the bad things you do
But when we were together alone
You didn't seem like a player at all

I don't care what they say
I know what you meant for me that day
I just wanted another try
I just wanted another night
Even if it doesn't seem quite right
You meant for me much more
Than anyone I've met before

One single night with you little Jesse
Is worth a thousand with anybody

I have no bitterness, my sweet
I'll never forget this one night thing
Even tomorrow, another arms
My heart will stay yours until I die

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my blues
Let me sing you a waltz
About this lovely one night stand

my thoughts exactly.

     The year I spent with ex felt like a really, really bad dream. Letâ??s call this stage REM. He could've just been a figment of my imagination. He pooped out of nowhere, and then popped right out.

     I know all of you is familiar with the story of princess aurora, more popularly known as sleeping beauty. When she was a baby, she was cursed by an evil fairy to sleep for a hundred years after she gets pricked by the spindle of a spinning wheel on her 16th birthday. After a hundred years, prince charming comes along, gives her a kiss, and they live happily ever after.

     Or so the fairy tales goes.

     But what if fairy tells aren't supposed to be taken that literally? All of us can be princess aurora. What if the hundred years sleep was actually a metaphor for a hundred years of dating/relationship nightmare? A hundred years spent dating every losers and jackasses who seemed like prince charming. It just seemed like a hundred years. It was less than a decade really. It was just long, and it really felt like forever. It took that long for her to meet Mr. Perfect, or whatever Mr. Perfect is going to be like after lowering your standards for miles.

     Forgive me. I'm wallowing in bitterness.

according to the news, Gabriela is once again pushing for divorce in the Philippines.  they say its for the protection of battered women who can't get out of abusive relationships.

correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't physical abuse among the reasons for granting annulment, as with infidelity?  sure annulment is harder to get than divorce, but dissolving marriage is supposed to be hard.  that's why people need to think long and hard before getting yourself shackled for life.  it is supposed to be a lifetime thing.  well, at least until death do you part.

marriage is one of those things i still consider sacred.  it entails a life long commitment "for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health".  you don't marry someone on a whim.  you can have relationships one after the other left and right, but once you've made your vows, you're supposed to stick by it.  if you feel that you can't, then don't get married.

you don't marry because your afraid of dying an old maid with no kids to take care of you in your later years.  just because they came from you doesn't mean its their job to take care of you when you get old and useless.  yes we have utang na loob concept here, but its something they should do on their own free will, not because you feel that they should.  if that's your reason, get a good insurance.

you don't marry because you got pregnant, or you got someone preganant.  a mistake could never be made right by another mistake.  if you want to take responsibility for the kid, as you should, provide financial and emotional support.  a kid who grows up in a single-parent household is better off than someone living in a dysfunctional but pretending to be "normal" family.  giving your kid away for adoption is always an option.

you don't marry because you think you'll never meet anyone else, and he/she is your last chance of being with someone.  that's just plain pathetic and selfish.  the other person deserves to get as much as he/she gives.

so, why marry?  how the hell should i know.  i've never been in normal sort of relationship. hahaha!

l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l

one of the teacher aides in the school gave birth last week, and the labor got very, very complicated. so mommy and baby had to stay in the hospital for a couple of weeks. 

she gave birth in a government hospital, fabella.  and as with government hospital practice, they support breast feeding.  what's so fucked up with their program is that they force it on the mother.  they wouldn't allow the kid to be fed with milk formulas.  the mommy can't breast feed.  she doesn't have any milk to give.  plus shes taking plenty of antibiotics.  i don't think you're allowed to breast milk with that in your system.  and the hospital still refused to let them use milk formulas!  so, what now?  starve the baby to death rather than make him drink milk formulas??? that's so fucked up.  and buying breast milk is pretty expensive.  had one patient before who had to do that. 

sometimes, these hospitals have really fucked up rules.