don't use band-aid when you need stitches.

for the past couple of months, i have been self-destructo girl.  i was looking for pain.  pain felt better than nothing.  anger felt better than emptiness.  i was looking for my high.  using people, regardless how reasonable you make your rationale seem is never an excuse.  i'm done with this now.  i will try to stop.

on a's wedding day, i was at gateway watching the break up.

hahaha.  it was not intentional. naaya lang ako.

the break ups pretty good.  i love it.

darn. i think i just spoiled it for people who knows me. ehehe... but no really it was fun.

i hated the guy... so much.  it was personal. hahaha! dammit.  can't even watch a movie without *asdknvcsdhgtlaskdnfo* but really the entire movie, i was thinking, i can not stand someone like him.  oh my gad.

but it was a good movie.  it was so funny.  and irritating.  and sad.

ooh.  i'm going boxing soon. yey!  coz the meds ain't cutting it. hahaha! 

is there such a things as ethics with war?

i haven't really updated myself much to the going ons with lebanon and israel.  all i know is that they are still both at war with each other.  israel is still bombing the women and children in lebanon and blaming this on some militant group that they accused Lebanese of hiding.  and that UN is still on the backseat.

according to most everybody, the Israelis shouldn't be bombing civilians.  but if you look coldly at the whole thing, this is a war people!  the goal of the war is to win.  war involves killing people.  how moral do you want killing to be?  the fact that these people are engaged in war would make you think long and hard if they would listen to humanitarian reasons.  logically, bombing the unarmed is a good strategy.  you can blame the bombers, but you would also blame the attacked for not giving in the demands.

where does UN stand?  somewhere far i'm thinking.  they have been calling for cease-fires and peace negotiations to no avail.  if both parties don't want to listen (ok, so maybe its more of the israelis), what are they going to do about it?  israel is under US protection.  and if the circulating theories are ctually real, US is actually under israel.  or should i say, the jews are running USA.  most medias are owned and ran by jews.  there are jews in the government office.  you get the picture.

maybe ex has a point whenever he kept telling me that "peace is protected by men with guns".  if UN don't use force to stop the two countries from killing each other, what will?  the call for peaceful negotiations have been made for months!  there is the cease fire set for today... hopefully...

what do i think?

world peace *bow*

why do i keep hitting my head with a hammer?  because it feels so good when i stop.

now that explains everything. hahaha! 

"you grew up.  it's a shame.  it's awful being a grown up.  but the carousel never stops turning.  you can't get off."

- alice grey in grey's anatomy

 

my life is more of a rollercoaster than a carousel.  i function in only two modes: ecstatic and depressed.  and i never slow down.  my world is either turning upside down, or speeding by.  not a pretty way to live.  you can almost be sure of a not so happy ending.

maybe i should stop to smell the roses thing.  slow down.  actually, sit down and think and process without jumping from plan A to Z in a mattet of minutes.

i'm no good with waiting.  for lack of a better thing to say: waiting sucks. funny coming from a pre-school teacher who expects kids aged 3-4 to wait for their turn, wait til their called, wait on their name...  hm... maybe that's why my kids mostly have impulse control issues.  it's actually contagious!

i can't focus either.  poor attention span.

so, it's no waiting with short attention span.  can you imagine the fun i'm having?  it's enough to make me want to drown myself.  oh.  and add masochistic with very low pain tolerance. 

i need to die now. 

p.s. i am obviously in my depressed state.  i am in no mood to get out of this funk yet.

p.p.s.  the boxing is supposed to help, but i've been missing on it coz of the rain.  i hate walking outside on a rainy day. 

more p.p.s.  maybe it was a very bad idea finding out about it.

it's weird having a married friend.
it's weird having a married guy friend.
it's weird having an ex-something who was also a good friend.

especially when he still keeps on asking you out for coffee.
and lunch.
and dinner.

it's stinking adultery.

i need fresh air.

today was supposed to be a really good day.  but somebody got cold feet.  and somebody got indisposed for the uh... activities.  then again, having an almost but not really really good day may not be so bad.  stupid, irrational decisions  may make great consequences.  it may be fun and games for now, but eventually things may end up all bruised and broken.  being given the chance to think things through may not necessarily be a bad thing.  it just makes you more accountable for whatever decision you make... which in a way is a really bad thing... especially when you're trying to do something "fun" and guilt-free.  so maybe conscience is really a good thing.  and divine intervention is really necessary.  and maybe the universe isn't as apathetic as we thought it to be...