for a while, i thught he's one of those i can take seriously.  given the sitch, i must be seriously delusional.  he's not.  musn't get stuck much then.  i like him alot though.  seriously.  on-off.  but it's on these days...

i asked for a definition of terms.  just to know where i stand.  i can tell him what i want, but i'll get majorly pissed if he wouldn't give it to me.  so, i'd rather he tell me.  it's easier.  he basically said the same thing ex did after... deja vu much? 

issue on exclusivity was touched.  obviously, i never demend that from people.  k will kill me if she finds out.  most people would actually.  i have this weird belief na that's something i cannot ask from someone else.  he either tells me he wants it, or he doesn't.  i have too much pride to ask for that sort of thing.

janine: delusional pride chicken.

perfect.

besides, given the sitch, could i seriously ask for that?  absolutely demented.  he sortof said he wouldn't mind much if i have a go with ex again.  hmm... maybe if i get brain damage i will just for the heck of it.  seriously!  why would i wanna go there?  course if he's cool with it, i must likewise be open to the thought that he would and i shouldn't mind either.  desensitization.  i f he does, i would.  brain damaged!  i have a perverted sense of fairness.

k said i like going after emotionally unavailable men  coz i'm scared of commitment.  i'm not.  i can commit.  been there, done that.  i just hate being disappointed.   i try to minimize the casualties i incur.  set your expectations low, and you wouldn't be disappointed much.  i obviously don't have much faith in guys.  well, in people in general.  prolly why i don't like keeping alot of friends around.

but being the bottomless pit of hope that i am, i'm still hoping there will be someone who wouldn't want to disappoint me.

i'm a believer of good intentions. 

i am more into this than he is.

fine.

so, it's a bad idea.  we don't have to keep it going anyway.  afterall, we are friends.

because i am just so freakin' bored from procrastinating all day ( i promise to do better tomorrow... or tonight... someday anyway), i'm going to make another entry.

no worries.  i've stopped with the emo-shit.

i remembered this wonderful, wonderful story about a precocious little boy, aged 6, who was the nephew of a prof. 

little boy: bin, do you love me?

smoker bin: yes, of course.

little boy: why?

smoker bin: because you're the son of my best friend and i love you.

little boy: do you love mommy?

smoker bin: yes, of course.

little boy: why?

smoker bin: because she's my friend and she had you, so i love her. 

little boy: do you love my daddy?

smoker bin: yes of course.

little boy: why?

smoker bin: because he's my bestfriend and we've been together through alot, so i love him too.

little boy: then why do you smoke?

smoker bin (neurons dead from most of the nicotine in the brain):  huh?  what does that have to do with anything?

litle boy:  because smoking can kill you.  and if you really love us, you'd want to be with us for a long time and not die.

adorable isn't he? 

i find it surprising that my site gets hits.  seriously.  who reads my shit?  and why?  hahaha! 

finally done with my shopping!  yey!  bought everybody gifts already.  well, 'cept for ria and kutz coz i was with them most of the day, and family (due to financial constraints. hehe...).  i even bought him one.  it's kinda' kulet though.  kutz was against the whole concept.  but hey, it's christmas.  what the hell! 

i am going broke again.  just spent my pre school salary on the gifts.  i was very kuripot... sortof.  there are 30 kids in preschool, 9 patients, 3 inaanaks, plus friends and co-workers.  urgh!  christmas is bad for my pockets.  hahaha!  goodness! thank gad there's still clinic.

oh.  and i shopped for me of course.  i have the nicest skirt! ehehe...  sorry.  really babaw.  and i found this amazing flashlight, bought it for 40 bucks.  its rechargable and you just click it continuously on this thingy on the side.  it's fun!

i don't want to work tomorrow.  my feet is killing me.  tina won't let me be absent though.  nevermind i bought school stuff with my shopping. hmp. hehehe..

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went to meeting of sorts this morning.  joined pedia specia interestl group, something in line with my pt shit.  i'm actually excited about it.  they have hands on training, and group discussions and stuff.  i need it.  i feel rusty right now.  problem is, most of the people there are the gods and goddesses in college (re: past profs).  i am overwhelmed by those people.  if you want me to shut up, put me in the room with them.  makes me feel like an insignificant slug besides those people. 

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on other news, we didn't talk today.  made me kinda' sad.  i am a creature of bad habits.  i like talking with him sunday nights when he's cramming for work.  i was... am serious about the still friends thing.  la lang...  hope he just got busy or something...  our last conversation was about the definition of terms thing.  and i think it went pretty well naman.  then again, i have no social skills.  i don't understand regular people.  only patients.

i was going through my friendster inbox, when i chanced upon a message from long ago from A.  i miss him!  seriously.  the "lokohan part" of our relationship i could live without, but he had been a really, really good friend.  i miss our weekly lunch/movie/starbucks sessions, the late night conversations, the harassing text messages (hehehe), the rant fests...  he was the person i talked with in the ungodly hours of the morning crying over something that happened with ex.  i cannot believe that we're not even talking anymore!  well, he is married, and i had been the object of mistrust... so naturally, it would be a bad idea to continue anything.  but i miss him.  i don't even have his number anymore... we sortof deleted all forms of comminucation with each other since he got married.

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went to a burol last saturday.  it's been a long while since i've been to one.  i think the last time i attended a wake was third year college.  the mom of my friend died from cancer.  

i don't really remember that much about her.  we'vce been to their house a couple of times and chatted with her, but we didn't really talk.  not like with the moms of my high school friends.  the day... er, night she died, friend called me on the cell.  i was studying for an anatomy exam, and wasn't supposed to pick up any calls.  but i did, and she told me "wala na si mommy."

and my very bright and compassionate response was, "san sya pumunta?"

o di ba, brightness?!  neurons at work!  my brain is filled up of unmyelinated type C nerve fibers.

then we hanged up the phone.  it took me a minute to process the information (daig ko pa ang dial-up!).  then, i strated to cry.  the only thing that was going through my head was that she made yummy mac and cheese.

gad!  i have inapporpriate responses to stressful sitch.  ever.

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and because i miss doing friendster surveys, i'll copy post it na lang here.  no need to let my friendster poppulation know about this. hahaha! 

1. After one year of not seeing each other, muli mong nakita ang ex mo. Ano
ang magiging reaction mo?
~ mag-hi hello of course.  may bitterness ba???

2. Saan nakalagay ang picture ng ex mo?
~ in my pc, nasa back up files yata... leftover from last reformat.

3. Nakasalubong mo ang dati mong friend na jowa na ng ex mo ngayon. Ano
ang gagawin mo?
~ yuck!  jowa.  how squatter naman. hahaha!  i dubt any of my friends will go for him, but in the arre chance na may magkamali tulad ko, i'll wish them well.  malay mo, nagmature na sha.  after 10 years!

4. Tinetext mo pa ba ang ex mo?
~ we still talk... sortof inevitable.  pero walang landian.  pwede betch?!

5. May nagbalita sa yo na naaksidente daw ang ex mo. How would you react?
~ oh no! ano nanamang katanggahan ginawa nya?!

6. Ano ang naka-entry na name ng ex mo sa cell mo?
~ his name, what else?

7. Kailan ka huling dumaan sa favorite restaurant nyo ng ex mo?
~ we don't have a fave resto, but there's this place we on alot somewhere in qc.  unfortunately, i have no idea how to get there.  so, i was there the last time i was with him.  a couple of months ago, i forgot.

9. Nabalitaan mo na ikakasal na ang ex mo. Ano ang magiging reaction mo?
~ good for him!  sana magpakatino sha.

10. What's your usual reaction kapag napapakinggan mo ang theme song nyo ng
ex mo?
~ we don't have one either.  there was a song na he liked to sing, but dedma lang.

11. After your break-up, ano ang ginawa mo para makarecover?
~ i was just waiting to hear the actual words from him, then i was ok na.

12. Kung meron kang gustong ibigay sa ex mo, ano yun?
~ all the love in the world. hahaha!  hm... a conscience.  bothered ako with his lack of morals eh.

13. Kung gagawing pelikula ang love story nyo ng ex mo, ano ang gusto mong
maging title?
~ A series of unfortunate events?  hahaha!  hey, i have no regrets.  pinaninindigan ko yan.

14. Kapag nakipagbalikan ang ex mo, tatanggapin mo ba sya uli?
~ i am completely over him.  why would i want to go back?

15. You walk into a restaurant at nakita mo ang ex mo dining out with a date. Ano ang gagawin mo?
~ wave and say hello.  i'm always nice.

will see ex sometime this week or next.  before you get any evil thoughts in your head, i would like to clarify that this is work-related.  no funny business going on anymore!

friend warned me that this is just a pretex, meron shang evil intent.  therefore, work is just an excuse.  but i'm pretty sure na nothing will really happen.  may mutual agreement na kami na it's over.  anu ba?!  this is just not me who's talking.  he told me so himself the last time we talked about it.  now if he had a change of mind, not my problem anymore.  and i do know how to say no.  seriously. 

i'm actually confused if friend was being concerned coz i'm most prolly getting myself into some bad shit once again (meaning, katanggahan); or evil person lang sha coz he's pushing me to go and do whatever with ex once again. 

yes, i know it was fun.  but i am over.  besides, i can only like one person at a time.

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our hawaiian dance in school is soooo cute!  galing choreograph tina!  major kahihiyan nanaman 'to on christmas party!  obviously, we have to dance in front of the kids while they perform coz they can't memorize the steps.  waaah!

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i saw days of the week undies in genevie!  it's sooo adorable.  i like days of the week undies.  it's an odd fixation.

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sister bought me "date rape" skirt.  i'm really stacking up on those lately.  you know the kinda'  short ones.  naturally the parents got majorly old-fashioned on me again.  so they don't like my new skirt? hahaha!

it's been a bad day.  from morning til night, it's been bad!  plus no one gave in to what i want today.  majorly pissed me off.  i'm such a brat when i'm pissed.  but i will not talk about it.  i have shopped and splurged to my wallet's content... until i have no money left.  see?  that's why i hate having money in my wallet.  it flies away when i get pissed.  i now have plenty of things i didn't know i need, but i apparently do.  thank gad the huge amounts of people in the mall suffocated me.  i couldn't stand being in there long.  i promise not to get near an atm machine for the next week.  i will live by my tutee and home care's good graces. hahaha!

so, instead of telling you about the sucky things that happened today, i will tell you about what happened in pre school, and the fun i had from being a pre-school teacher:

y: teacher i'm not going with you to watch alladin.

me:  i know.  why?

y: because it has a genie in it. (she's a jehova's witness)

me: oh. ok.

y: teacher, do you love jehova?

me:  (hm... jehova means God)  yes i do.

y:  then how come you're watching alladin.

yargh!  it took me a moment to get away from that one!  and while i was explaining on the whys of it, another kid who has been eavesdropping on our conversation blurted out:

b:  i don't like you y!  everything's always bad with you!  everything's not always bad.  everything's good!

i sortof agree with b of course.

i don't like the way the mom explained their religion to the kid.  by saying everything that they don't do is bad (like celebrating birthdays and christmas), she's confusing the kid!  birthdays are bad, but my classmates celebrate their BIRTHDAYS in our SCHOOL with my TEACHERS!  i live with bad people.  what about the values that we teach then?  we're bad people who likes to have fun with chrsitmas and birthdays and fairies and genies...  it's really confusing her methinks.

high blood ako again this morning.  i need a kid kasi for my case study in speech correction, and i have the perfect kid my class.  i bugged her parents for months just so they'll bring her to a dev ped for assessment.  well, initially, i suggested an ear doctor coz it just might be a case of impaired hearing.  after a couple of months, they finally relented and had her ear checked.  it happened to be a case of very dirty ears.  eew!  eniweiz, given that the ears were perfectly good, i once again bugged them to set an appointment with a dev ped.  a month after, yaya said that they went (amazing how easy it was!  that should've made me suspicious), and dev ped said it was delayed speech, and they're looking for an SP na.  yey!  unfortunately, liar sha.  kaya pala she keeps "forgetting" to give me the results of the dev ped assessment.  so now i will be using her (the kid, not the yaya) for my class, spoke with her dad, and found out the truth.  they went pala to some misguided MD in orthopedic (heller!  malay nya?!  orthopedic yan eh.  di man lang pedia!).  and the idiot of a doctor naman told them that the kid does not require speech intervention.  nakakapagsalita naman yan at nakakarinig, hindi nyo kailangan ng speech.  walang problema yan.  excuse me, did he even bother to talk to the kid???  she's echolalic who speaks incoherently most of the time, and who's really, really bad with comprehension.  she has very good rote memory, but really lacking in comprehension.  nawawala ang content.  eniweiz, so now the parents are getting all defensive about how their kid is developing normally naman and all that.  you know what, if she is, then good for her.  but wouldn't you rather know for sure?

when i become a parent, i'd prolly be one of those really paranoid moms who's going through all sorts of tests during her pregnancy to know for sure that my baby won't be having any problems; who's screaming on the MD to give me the kid's stat during delivery and right after; and who's obsessing about her developmental milestones from 0-6 years.  hahaha!  freakish mom!

have a seminar in ust to go to tom.  urgh!  i hate waking up early on weekends.  but i like the sem thing.  for professional growth. hahaha!

nevertheless, i want to see him.  i want. i want. i want. now na!  ...ok maybe tomorrow? hahaha!  the last time is till maiing me smile whenever i remember...  so, i like.  hehe...

i have this major problem when i like something.  i get soo into it all the time.  take my obsession with c2 green tea months ago (ganda ng analogy ko noh??? san ka pa?!).  i used to really, really love it.  as in!  i would buy 2 big bottles in the store every-freakin-day.  i would even stack up on weekends.  eventually got tired of it.  or maybe all the talk about how tea's not really good for you got into me.  have no idea.  now i haven't drank any for more than a month i think.

bad idea to work with ex. kill. 

p.s.

been sortof re-reading past entries (something i never do when i post something.  gad!  i write sucky.  major typos everywhere.  incomplete sentences.  yak! hahaha

"do you exist na?" text mesaage from june. 

"in some universe i still don't."

he ignored me the whole day.  i am beyond pissed.  i'm just plain sad.  i want to see him na eh.  hm... baka quality time sila ni gf.  fine.  but sana he texted man lang and told me he's busy or something.  i do like being informed when i ask.  that's not asking for too much naman di ba?  i do that all the time with my friends (and a whole lot more besides) , and nobody ever told me i'm too much.  i can't feel mad anymore.  was irritable all mornng, but afterwards, sad na lang talaga.  i give up.  i know what i got myself into.  i know the limit of what i can ask (so sometimes i try to push it a little, but i do know how to back down when i know i can't).  bahala na sya.  i don't mean that in a bad way.  it's just that he''ll talk to me if he wants to.  if he doesn't, um... sad ako pa rin.  hehehe... kulet!  i like him. i seriously do.  more than the fun part.  what makes the fun things fun is coz i like him.  that's why i'd rather he tells me to go away if he wants me gone.  i deal with that better.  i'm amazingly masochistic. demented.

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was in the seminar the whole day.  in fairness, may learning.  understood the goodness of botox with spastic kiddies for one, and tehre's this test i want to use on my kiddies.  an old prof from college and a new one from educ were the last two speakers.  prof from undergrad lectured on some shit we took up back in college.  and i still managed to get something new (or maybe remembered stuff?  sooo rusty!).  i am sooo not worthy.

ang sad the lecture of my prof in educ though (yes, sad ang theme for the day).  he was so vague and superficial.  it's like he wasn't informed that he was going to lecture on allied medical people.  it's soo layman.  i was sortof expecting him to tackle things related to making individualized educ plans or placement programs for special kids, but he didn't.  what makes educators in special educ different from teachers in the regular classroom... something to that effect sana.  he was more on the role of the parents in the whole process which we are all aware of already.  maybe he thought he was supposed to lecture parents?

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saw a former classmate in rp with a friend.  a camper pero upper batch.  she looks familiar but i don't know her name.  so medyo nawindang ako when saying good bye, she said " janine kiss. bye."   i was like perky bye naman.  after she was gone, "shet.  kuting sino yun?" hahaha!  i am soo bad with names and people. 

there was a time i bumped into a guy i used to date back in college.  of course i said hi.  but i could not remember his name.  all i know is that he knows me coz he called me by my name.  it took a long while for me to remember who he was.  i think it was after he texted. hahaha!

you know na i have no idea who i'm greeting if my "hi" gets all perky and i don't stop walking.  i'm soo bangag that way.

still with the seminar thingy today.  and because i got tired from yesterday, i wasn't sure if i could wake up this morning at 6.  tama ba naman kasing mag schedule ng start ng 8?!  on a sunday!  kaloka!  so texted kutz to ring my phone to wake me up by 6. 

amazingly, i woke myself up by 6.  walang alarm ito!  san ka pa?!  but because i'm brightness so early in the morning, i checked my phone at walang miss call pa from kutz.  hm... di pa sha nagpa-ring.  sleep muna ko. 

i woke up again 30 mins later, but still no ring.  so i slept again.  sabi ko kasi ring nya ko to wake me up eh.  di pa naman sha nag-ri-ring eh. 

after another 30 mins, ay ganda! tulog pa rin sha.  ako na nga manggigising.

and so, we were obviously late.  keber.  i don't think i missed much.

i wore the wrong shoes.  i bought this nice but cheap sandals somewhere and decided to use it.  bad idea.  the roads are wet.  and the stupid shoes have slippery soles.  effort not to slip.  puro tiles pa naman the inside of the building.  dapat talaga may rubber para safe.  (hmmm... )

one of the speakers was dd.  a former prof in college.  again. he was my supervisor in the pedia clinic way back during internship.  my gad!  dementor.  he sucks the happiness out of you.  pero wag ka, when we see each other now, beso pa ito! it took a loooong while for me to get used to even being in the same company as him.  one of them gods.  kutz kasi friends sila.  so sige na nga.  kaya ko rin 'to.  he's actually pretty nice.  wish ko lang straight din sha, he's gorgeous.  if you're a god and gorgeous to boot, you're obviously single.  hmm... sabi na nga ba, goddess ako in some universe eh.  hahaha!

over lunch he was complaining about some speaker's eval results from participants in a previous seminar.

dd: may nag-comment ba naman na i should wear formal outfit?!  sinigawan ko si son (one of the organizers), kanino galing 'to?  sinong nagsulat nito? handling workshop ko.  gaga pala sha eh!  gusto nya kong mag-barong habang gumugulong sa floor?!  pwede ba, malamang mas mahal pa shirt ko kesa sa buong outfit nya.  t-shirt pa lang yun!

and people think i'm taray.

one of the topics was sensory integration.  out of fun, we assumed that i am orally sensitive to stimuli (based on a couple of answers from the tests).  now, if you're sensitive to stimuli, it means you are easily stimulated orally.  solution:  apply deep pressure with linear movement patterns.  hmmm... sounds interesting.  why not?!

hahaha!  hormonal talaga.  tsk, tsk... 

because i do not live in my universe all the time, i do hear bits and pieces about what's going on in my world, and on some occasions, i do read the news.

there will be an anti-charter change prayer rally on sunday in quirino.  however, according to the cops, they will arrest anyne who makes a "seditious" statement, or any statement that would be construed to incite rebelion.  why not just arrest all the leaders of the anti-cha cha and be done with it?! 

first of all, can they please clarify first what they mean by seditious.  may listahan ba tayo dyan ng "bad words"?  clarify where freedom of expression ends and seditious statements begin.  i don't know the law much, but from what i recall, people in a democratic country has the freedom to criticize how the government is run.  they're even preventing militant leftist groups from "unfurling their banners in quirino".  sure.  coz people in the grandstand, mindless idiots that they are, will automatically take those statements as an order to go to war with the government.  regardless if they are leftist or if they are militant groups, they have the right to say what they want.  that's part of their basic rights.  the fact that they are leftist, means that they are against the government.  what do you expect to hear from them pa pala?  so why not just kill them all para wala ng problema..  that is the what they want anyway.

on other news, bumaba na by 50 cents the fare of the jeeps.  dunno when exactly it will be applicable to all.  i think now na... i rode the jeep this morning, i got a 2.50 change from my 10.  around noon, i got a 3-peso change from my 10.  this evening, i got a 2.50 change from my 10.  i therefore conclude prices are subject to change according to driver's prerogative.

it was traffic in service road again as usual.  why?  because some idiot of a jeepney  driver decides to wait in front of some subdivision to pick up passengers, clogging up the vehicles going in his direction, and the other lane as well, coz some drivers wanted to overtake him but couldn't coz there's harang na.  it's a two-way lane for crying out loud.  what made you think that it's ok to stop in the middle of the street and hassle everyone else around you???  yes i know, naghahanap-buhay ka lang, but what about the other people?  you're not the only one working.  and the roads are not built just for you.  i wish i could bash those drivers in the head.  they deserve a concussion.  jeepney driver driver na-TBI sa sobrang pagkasugapa. 

i am not pro-masa.

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will be seeing the girls this sunday in makat (thank gad they decided a closer loc than dili)i.  yey!  miss ko na those people.  we don't have saturday classes na kasi together eh...  was supposed to see some of them in the lantern parade (this fri na the lantern parade!!!).  but i have a thing in makati til around 7.  for sure, done na the parade by the time i get there.

i miss lantern parades in manila.  forever merriest group.  5 years running!  the whole time we were in college.  hehehe... 

kapag kumuha ka ng doctorate and earn your Phd, they call you doctor.  but if you're taking up masters and earn you MA, they don't call you master.  why kaya?

ang nice nun, Master Janine Louise Pacheco, PTRP.  sounds absolutely jedi-ish. hehehe 

watched alladin in onstage.  it was nice!!!  i love it.  alladin (toppher fabregas) was such a cutie.  in a kenkoy sort of way.  they even went near the door after the show was over to say good bye to the kiddies.  bea was so kilig!  she absolutely adored jasmin.

and because i was so bangag na after the speech eval of my kid in class with his super kulet daddy and making retoke the art projects of my kiddies to give to parents on christmas party, when i got to the mrt station in magallanes, which was full of metro manila's population, i just couldn't make myself go to dili anymore.  plus the fact that my class starts at 5:30, and i was in mantrade station without an mrt card at 5:30.  que horor!  i left mrt on impulse, and went to strabucks, and decided to write my recommendations for my patients as i don't want to go home yet, and starbucks was just oh so very convenient. 

so there i sat trying to make my brain work, but couldn't.  so i doodled.  then this pretty girl came in and sat across me.  she was pretty nice actually.  made bantay my stuff coz i had to buy pen on the next store after mine ran out of ink. 

i was able to work after i bought the new pen. 

my brain is in my right hand, and i need a nice pen to make it work.  okei, not a nice pen really, just one with nice ink.

and because my head is working properly, i had the brilliant idea of inviting him there para may kasama ko and coz i just really wanna see him... a little.  he surprisingly agreed.  *huge idiotic grin on my face*

he got there hours later (at hindi pa rin ako tapos!  i'm bagal.) with me looking harassed and toxic, and prolly a lil bit smelly.  hahaha!  not a pretty picture.  it was nice seeing him again.

one of the kinds of people i hate are those who try to convince me how their religion is sooo much better than all the others. 

ok.  i'm not really a devout catholic.  i usually go to mass and the confessions, but i don't follow the commandments strictly to the letter.  (guess which one i seem to keep breaking?)  and seriously, there are some things forbidden that i am not sure if i totally agree with.  but though my faith is far from perfect, i do pray and believe in a higher being.  i do believe in the whole apostle's creed. 

eniweiz, so there we were in a house of a kid for speech eval explaining to the dad what we sortof found out, when he suddenly went all religious.  i will not say which religious organization he's in, but he keeps telling us that it's the only true religion and if we are not part of it we will not be saved.  i wanted to walk out then and there.  i applaud your trust and faith, but do not tell me i am doomed just coz i'm not one of you.

i don't like the concept of ditching one religion for another and telling me that you did it coz you didn't find God in the religion you were once in.  that's stupid.  faith is totally dependent on you.  that's why it's called faith.  it doesn't base itself on reason or logic, its just an insane belief in something that you can not perceive through your senses but you believe with all your heart to be real.

moving on...

had fun with the girls yesterday.  i missed being with those people!  good lord, we were so loud!  and as always, the cameras kept on clicking.  i can never wear the same outfit with these people coz they always bring cameras with them, and they kept shooting pictures!  of course, the narcissistic in me was totally loving it.  regardless that i look totally teeny-booperish yesterday.  all pink and polkadots! hahaha!  i get demented and slightly drunk.  i seriously can not handle my alcohol well.

they were very supportive of my goal to get the starbucks planner i'm wishing for.  plenty more stickers to go....

saw him yesterday but i forgot to give his gift.  left it eh.  told him to "drop by the house one of these days within the week". hahaha!  well, it's always nice to have an excuse to see him.  although, i'm sortof not sure if i wanna give him his gift now.  told june what it is and her reaction was: "adik ka?!"  ehehe...  i have a really good explanation for it.  hopefully he wouldn't think it's dumb.  natuwa ako eh.  i'm seriously bad with giving gifts to guys.  aside from the generic shit of hankys and socks and ties and wallets and caps... i have no idea what to give.  kaya wawa my guy friends. i like girls better.

my pc's busted.  grrr... 

am getting a new one next week!  yey!  getting one assembled anyway.  yeyey!

i had a weird dream the other night.  i dreamt about a friend, who never really featured ever in any of my dreams before, and whom i haven't spoken to for the longest time now.  out of coverage area.

eniweiz, in the dream, he told me he likes me <gak!!!>.  but he was sorotf forced into it or something.  hahaha!  even my dreams don't make sense.  it was sortof like inevitable or something.  ewan.

according to kuting, nagpaparamdam si subconscious.  nang what exactly?  my subcon is such a feeler. hahaha!

today is the last day i will work before christmas.  i impose my own breaks.  mwahahaha!

i will make sense after i have my coffee.  i am never perfectly lucid these days.

alcohol and me don't mix well.

i am almost always constantly in motion.  most of my days are spent running from one appointment to the next.  the life of a part-time everything.

there are perks in not having an 8-to-5 job.  as most people tells me, i hold my own time.  i can go anywhere i want whenever coz i'm not stuck in some office watching the clock.  but seriously, just coz i schedule my own work time doesn't mean i have it better.  it's no work, no pay for me.  i don't have the luxury that most full-time workers enjoy.  i don't have bonuses, insurance and whatever perks given to regular employees.  having no fixed address means i have to be constantly on the road, rain or shine, going to pre-school, clinic, tutor, patient or school.  it's a tiring job.  travelling is tiring.  my work in itself is physically demanding. 

imagine this:

you, not a morning person who prolly slept past midnight, wakes up at 6 to prepare yourself for work.  when you get to the pre school, your one dozen kids are screaming their heads off running to greet you.  you feel like burying your head in the ground or locking yourself in the room, but you're with four-year-olds.  escaping is not an option.  so you suck it in and smile as you work through each of them; all wanting your attention, all wanting to tell you what they did even though you've heard those stories a million times over.  then it's time to start your class.  you line up, and walk (hopefully and not run) to your classroom.  you sing.  you dance.  you cut.  you paint.  you tell stories.  you color.  you eat.  you play.  you consider it a good day if you get at least 5 minutes of quiet.  five minutes of not having to raise your voice, of not stepping between a fight, of not calming a crying kid.  five minutes of peace and quiet is heaven.  finally pre-school's over.  you give them a star on one hand, and their homeworks on the other.  you eat lunch fast coz you have to be in the clinic in 45 minutes.  under the noon sun, you travel to your next work place.  you meet your 3-year-old spoiled little boy who cries at the slightest inconvenience coz he doesn't like to work, and is most prolly tired at that time to work with you.  but you need to go through the therapy bit.  so you work with him for an hour with imaginary ear plugs in your ears while he cries his heart out while you make him sit, stand, creep and reach.  then you get your 30-minute break.  then another patient.  this time another three-year-old who prefers to lie down when you want him to walk, and jumps and kicks when you want him to lie down.  you spend another hour breaking your back making sure he doesn't fall down from throwing tantrums.  finally you're on your last patient: a 17-year old who occasionally hits you when he flails his hand, and tries to knock you out with his head.  then, it's over...  or so you would like to think.  there's just one more stop, your four-year old tutor with the shortest attention span who throws tantrums when she's cranky, and works for being thrown in the air.  on the way, you pray that she listens.  you pray that she's in a good mood.  you pray that the hour passes as quickly as possible.

now your day's finally over.  you can go home.

you can sleep if you don't have to prepare for next day's class or if you have no journal to write for your patients. 

this is your typical day.  tomorrow you get a rerun.

ok.  it's not as bad as i seem to make it out.  yes all the shit happens; but i seriously love my jobs and i adore my kids.  seeing my patients sit by themselves, stand up and walk all on their own makes me feel like i've made my existence worth it.  all our hard work got us somewhere.  when my life seems to be in the dumps, nothing cheers me up faster than a hug and a kiss from one of my kiddies in school.  a drawing of me with an "i love you teacher janine" turns me to mush in an instant.

hm... so maybe i really i don't have it so bad afterall.

my pc's up and running again! yeynes!  i'm going broke... almost... thank gad for credit cards.

managed to arm-twist bb to coming with with me and buy the stuff.  i have no idea how i'll manage if he just gave me a list of things to buy, then find out later that it's out of stock.  i would've gone catatonic just with the thought that i won't be getting pc on that day!  it's a mind-set thing.  i get truly, majorly pissed when mind-set gets off.  that's why i nyquil.  i'm bad with handling disappointments.  you'd think i would've gotten used to that by now.  no learning, really.

he's leaving for a couple of months.  good for him.  should be fun living on your own, being somewhere new.  he gets his own pad!  niiice.  not to mention that coz its some work shit, the pay would definitely be better. i feel good for him.  really. 

urgh.  bad liar.

seriously, a part of me is excited for him.  it's really a nice opportunity.  but a selfish part of me is kinda really, really bummed out of the thought that i won't be seeing him, and prolly never gonna hear from him in the course of the months that he's away. it's depressing the hell out of me. 

but it shouldn't.  coz we're just friends.  and some of my friends i only see a couple of times a year.  and it's ok.  so, i'm alright.

urgh. bad, bad liar. 

got a text this morning: "kailangan na ba natin to register for election?"

"we don't even know if there's going to be an election this may."

reading the newspaper is a bad habit i ought to cure.

to summarize, some bright people in congress believe it necessary to stop the election by reviving cha-cha once again, and submitting a proposal of sorts in february.  so the comelec wouldn't be able to prepare for the elections by May.  it's stupid, really.  sorry. i'm pretty vague with the details.  i'm really bad with names and terms.  just read it up. 

oh.  and  apparently the US government has "issues" on the admin coz of the custody of the US marine who was accused of rape.  US wanted the marine in US Embassy.  he's currently staying in makati jail.  according to US' interpretation of the VFA, he should be allowed to stay in their embassy.  however, according to the Philippine judge's interpretation, that wasn't stated in the agreement.  the VFA was actually pretty vague on the details according to the judge.  so,  to get their way, US is postponing the balikatan (did i get this right?), saying that they don't want to go into that yet until the issue is resolved.  meaning until they get their way.  oh.  and they called back some of their people helping in relief operations in albay saying that they are afraid of their military's legal rights while in this country.  whatever.  hopefully, the admin won't give in to this blackmailing of sorts.  he committed a crime in Philippine soil to a Filipino citizen, why shouldn't he be judged, held and punished here?  they do the same thing in other countries when a foreigner does something criminal towards their people.  besides, there reaction is sooo childish.  seriously people!

in other news, i have driver's license now.  woo-hoo!  can't wait to start driving on my own.  hopefully my dad will let me... kahit na to work lang.  i don't mind not driving to dili yet. 

i have a bad habit.  when someone tells me something, i really kinda sortof think thats what (s)he wanted to say.  the read between the lines thing?  i suck.  i'm illiterate with reading between the lines.  i'm not being mean when i do something i shouldn't but was told to do.  i'm just really dense and insensitive, and thinks thats what the person wants for real.  which doesn't really make me guilt-less.  but it does make me guilty of something else.  but seriously, i honestly have no idea na i messed up whenever i do.

can't people just tell me what they want to say?  i can take anything.  seriously.  i don't mind.  i like things blunt and direct.  i'm a very confused person with no sense of direction.

i'm not trying to make excuses.

reading between the lines should come with a manual. 

curiosity killed the cat.

it's going to get me killed too one of these days... 

been tripping on "somebody to love".  likee that song much.  stalking as usual.  i'm a stupid person.  i look for ways to make myself feel bad.  was supposed to write a real entry.  mind can't function well.  still vacation mode.

a couple of hours before new year.  2007 na!  have tons to be thankful for for 2006.  in terms of work, i've been sortof stable this year.  amazingly!  i'm still dirt poor.  but i manage and fund my luhos better.  i'm practicing my PT stuff more.  yey me!  i'm fixing my life work-related.  this will prolly give me a major heartache in the future, but i don't want to think about that right now.  still in denial.  i met a group of people that i adore being with.  UP dil peeps, yey!  i went out of town and gone up the mountains.. and lived to tell the tale.  been to the beach alot.  managed to finally quit being an idiot for ex.  managed to get over ex. whew!  having bb around...  still making me happy just by being around.  family's been sortof in the funk, but i blame it on my dad's mid-life crisis.  have puppy i adore.  i'm doing pretty well acad's wise in spite of...  yup.  i have alot to be thankful for.

now i have to mass.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!