his plans got delayed for a couple of days, so he'll be leaving next week.  good for him.  more time to prepare and stuff.  does it affect me in any way?  most prolly not.  i'm sortof resigned to the thought that i'll most prolly see him a couple of months from now pa.  i'm not gonna lie and say i feel perfectly ok with it coz i seriously don't.  if it were up to me, i'd want to see him every fuckin' day.  it would be wonderful to see him before he leaves, but the fact that he seems to have forgotten my number as it is kinda reduces the chances to uh... zilch. plus, i really have no idea how they are ni gf.  i don't even know if she's here already.  we don't talk about it, he doesn't share, and i don't want to know.  obviously if she's here and he's leaving, they have to spend time together.  is there anywhere lower than zilch?  that's where i am.

i am trying to let go of things i have no control over.  other people's choices shouldn't affect me, even if i am affected.  

hahaha!  talk about people who makes sense.

But Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you would be
That face is tearing holes in me

i just really like it. 

this is the last time i go emo abut this online (meaing, if you're my friend, you may or may not still have to put up with me. mwahahaha!):

it's hard liking someone who doesn't really care about you.  at all.   you think i'd have learned my lessons from ex already.  but nooooo, i have to expect things to be different all the time.  pretty stupid, i know.

i stopped thinking that i expect too much from people.  i know i don't.  i only expect what i'm also willing to give.  unfortunately for me, my emotional involvements are usually one-sided. it's sad really.

this is my fault, really.  i have no middle ground.  why can't i have a middle ground?  why must i go barging in every little thing about my life in full speed?  i have to know all about this moderation thing.

it's always better to know when you're jumping in a sinking boat.  of course, other people might counter, why jump in a sinking boat in the first place? 

kutz told me this yesterday.  she needed to talk to the social worker of the patient she's working on.

k: so, nung dumating po sya rito may cp (cerebral palsy) na sya?

sw: iha, hindi sya may cp, cp sya.

k: ah, okkk!

hmm... so if ang cp ay tinubuan ng ulo, kamay, paa at magkatawang bata, yun sha?!

wala bang minimum requirements to be a social worker???

 I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

a friend once told me that she prolly can't work with my patients coz she'd feel too much pity for them. 

i'm not sure, but i think there's something wrong with the way i see my kids.  seriously, before i taught pre-school, the only kids i really came in contact with are special children.  i mean, of course, i know the developmental milestones by heart (then!), but they're just concepts in paper.  so, i saw them as just kids who needs help with something or another.  whatever it helps to deal i guess.

finally got my planner!!! *happy-happy-joy-joy* i'm sooo babaw.

first day of work. the kids were back! *sigh*

random new year's resolution: i will not be late for work. at least until march.  ehehe...

he left last weekend.  now, i couldn't bug him anymore.  he's prolly relieved i couldn't bug him anymore.  i miss bugging him.  on second thought, i just miss him.  period.  hahaha!

two weeks from now, ibang level na toxicity ko.  shit.  can i take a break from my life, and live someone else's?  nothing permanent.  i just want something different. 

i'm writing in fragments again... 

my friend's back na from australia! yey!  he actually came back last saturday, but still not yet in manila.  i seriously miss him.  he's my super kaladkarin friend.  the one i can call in the middle of the night and cry on, and meet the next day for a 7 am breakfast (!) for more rantings.  how could i possibly not miss him??? my starbucks/food trip/movie marathon buddy.

and he brought a friend. hmm... cute kaya si friend? ehehe... kidding. ayaw ko na ng sakit sa ulo.  after bb, i am definitely going serious.  i actually have no idea if there is something pa with bb.  i know i like him alot, but i have no idea how he feels.  i don't wanna ask, and he's not telling.  well, he never told me anything before he left, so i have no idea.  so, basically, que sera sera.

i have this theory.  liking/loving is like one of those self-limiting conditions.  it doesn't matter if there's no intervention, it will be cured; but no rehab will result in secondary complications.  will expound when i feel like talking about it some more.

while asking the kid's to practice writing their full name:

me: anton, write your name there.  what's your name?

anton: anton juan.

rafe was bugging me at the same time...

me: and what about you? (looking at rafe)

rafe: anton three.

wahehehe!  in fairness, that seriously cracked me up. 

 I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

i don't like the new teacher in preschool.  coz i'm just bitchy that way.  hahaha!  she was a classmate on a previous subject, and to make a long story short, she was an ass with me.  irritating really.  so i don't like her.

eniweiz, gabby (one of my kids) noticed her.  gabby, being the friendly person that she is...

gabby: ate, what's your name?

p: teacher p

after gabby left, p went to me...

p: tawagin ba naman akong ate, mukha ba kong yaya?

uhhh... umm... NYAHAHAHA!  i love my kids. 

antipatikang bata... nagmana sa teacher. hehehe 

i'm not lost anymore.

i'm in switzerland.

go figure.

denial is one of the things i do best.  i deny that problems exist until i'm good and ready to face them.  why? because i have no guts to face issues.

i deny being in love because facing the reality of rejection feels like it's so much worse.  but seriously, who am i kidding?  having your heart cut piece by piece is certainly no better that having it sliced through and dumped in an instant.

i'd rather you be mean, than love and lie.

i'd rather hear the truth and have to say good bye.

i'd rather take a blow, at least then i would know.

but baby don't you break my heart slow.

sounds logical.  but really, do i look like the logical type?  living in my alternate universe pretending that he cares,  feels alot better than knowing it meant nothing.  i'm happy during the short time i'm in denial.  maybe that's all that people really are after, small doses of happiness before facing the gut wretching truth that life sucks.  but you need those small doses to help you get through the day, regardless if you're basing it on something fictitious.  happiness is an emotion independent of truth.  you're not fooling anyone but yourself, but you cope.  it's all that matters. 

insensitivity is another means of denial.  i deny that someone likes me, especially if that someone turns out to be a friend.  why?  coz i like having a friend around, and when you admit to yourself that he likes you more than you could ever like him, then everything goes spiraling down.  you lose another person.   it's selfish really.  you're dishing out pain by pretending to be kind.

everybody's in denial of something or another.  but the thing is, you choose what to deny.  coz sometimes, somethings are really better when you face them 

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

-Greys Anatomy

went to pedi group meeting yesterday.  thank gad i was coherent and functional, i therefore did not make myself sound stupid in front of my former profs who, unfortunately, still has the ability to make me feel like a slug.  eniweiz, i did manage to make myself seem like a professional.

one of the issues brought up was about the organization.  out of the 700+ board passers yearly, only about 60 join the org.  two of the main reasons was coz they don't know what they'll get from being a member.  well, you do get discounts when attending seminars and conventions.  it's trying to get a couple of programs kicked up, but it needs people.  it's always the same group who's been leading and being active.  i's sortof like in-breeding.  the thing is, there's been alot of criticisms about the org but nobody is saying what they want to get out of it.  if you want something to happen, you have to work for it.  what do you want from the org?  how do we get it?  are you willing to help out in the process?  the problem is, they've been so used to being spoon-fed everything they need, they don't understand that some things actually need effort to work, that you don't just leave everything to the people in charge.  eniweiz, another reason is coz of the issue with the physical therapists being independent from rehab doctors.  the org stands up for this, and there are some therapists who doesn't.  the groups reaction may be summarized by our department head's response: "ayaw natin sila".  hahaha!  amazing!  i don't get that either.  i mean, yeah, i guess, it's nice not being liable for whatever mess up that happens coz it's gonna be the doctor's fault, if ever.  but.  you're a grown-up.  and professional at that.  shouldn't you be taking responsibility for own actions?  why waste your 5-year education following the doctor's prescription?  besides, sayang ang neurons if you don't use it. 

and then there was the issue of pedia pt, and why most non-campers doesn't want to get into it.  yes, okrayan session ito.  although there really was effort not to make it into one.  it mustn't always be us and others after all.   i really have no idea much about how non-campers na pt practice pedia.  coz i've never really been with pts' from other schools since i started working with kids. 

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