i have a bad temper.

yeah, yeah.  tell me something i don't know.  but why do you have to be irritating??? 

and no, i'm not being irrational.  i am perfectly rational.  and no, i am not being self-centered either.  i just believe that there should be a "me" time.  ME.  and no, that is not too much to ask either.  this is not alot.  i know what alot means.  this is not it.

i hate hating people who do not care. 

i refuse to run after "things" that refuse to get caught.  it's tiring and painful and very, very stupid.

i'm going avoid-y.  i have no self control, which is so sad.  really.  so, avoid-y. 

there are so many things that i need to vent out right now, but i can't.

life is scary shit.

i wish i know what i'm supposed to do.

i wish i know how things go.

are supposed to go.

will go.

i hate surprises.

i hate not knowing.

i hate, hate not knowing where i am.

i am so vague, i know...

i can't decide.

again.

urgh!

to be 25 and still indecisive.

i thought i was actually decided.

but things happen.

not sure if this a knee-jerk reaction...

i'm decided now.  

i don't understand why it's sooo hard to stick to the plan when all decisions were made rationally? 

i know full well what the sitch is. 

i am absolutely certain where i stand in all this mess. 

and still i was undecided. 

gad!  how horrible.

eniweiz, so all in the past now.  pretty sure na.  no more backing out. 

it's really the little things that gets to me.

all the time. 

it doesn't feel like summer. toxic ng life ever!

been going daily to manila.

bad for my non-earning bank account. thank gad i curbed the splurges. a little...

saw a pretty, pretty longish shirt which i was supposed to buy but did not buy kasi i didn't like the saleslady. i don't spend on places with sucky service.

sayang that shirt though...

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

a couple of weeks ago, was riding the fx home. midway in the ride, got a text message:

"ja9, si benj to, asa fx ka ba ngayon?"

i was stunned and naturally started looking around. the person beside me whispered, "hi".

it was benj! apparently he was siting beside me the whole time.

i really should start being aware of the people around me. hehe...

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

whenever i go to the grocery i always, always eat at paotsin's. yummy their shark's fin with haianese rice. addictive. shempre keber na i had to stand while eating it. its one of those things that i just have to eat even though i just ate. at kaialngan talaga may rice. hahaha!

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

my contact lens broke. just the right one, and i have no time to get a new one from the optical shop. so i'm glasses. i look yucky with glasses. urgh!

found out something this morning.  my attention span lasts 2-3hours max.  beyond that, good luck.  and i can't even be discreet about it.  not that i stand up and walk around like what my kids do.  i'm just so obviously not paying attention anymore --picking on little things and making kulet.

but 2-3 hours is good enough right? 

busy, busy, busy getting all panicky and worked up and basically all the other useless emotions you've got thrown together.

yargh!

how i get through my days right now is beyond me.  hopefully, things will all work out in the end.

i miss my kiddies!!!!

the lola of my former kiddie called up the school and told tina that jericho's been doing so well in lasalle, and acing most things.  yey! *tear*  he was one of my kids last year.  i hated him at first.  major behavioral problems.  can't really blame the kid though.  super dysfunctional family.  at 3 years old, let us not subject the kiddos to adulthoods demented dramas.  managed to eventually get through him.  after losing about liters and liters of sweat and blood.  there were days when i wanted to wring his neck or hang him upside down just so he would stop being so kulet.  i think the worst was when he practically destroyed everything in our room.  change tactic.  thank gad something worked and he behaved.  otherwise, i would've asked tina tohave him kicked out of my class or something. hehehe... well, actually, something always works with kids.  it just takes me time figuring out what it is.  oh well... part fo buhay preschool.
 

something stupid was canceled by the powers that be.  unbelievable. 

p.s.

oh gad.  i've been found. *kill* hahahaha! 

definitely done with ex.

we are not even going to try to pretend to be friends anymore.

deleted everything and thrown everything out.

i am going to pretend that the last two and a half years did not happen.

no matter how over you say you are... seriously, who really gets over?

i know we tried this route before.  i'm keeping my fingers crossed that this time we i manage to really forget and stop .

there is no us.

there is no friends.

we are not even acquaintance.

we are back to being strangers.

that's the safest route to go. 

there is no problem that cannot be dealt with by shopping, eating and movies.

watched wild hogs.  i have no idea if i'm just really babaw, or its really as funny as i think it is.  i was laughing pretty much most of the time.  so there was no plot.  almost non-existent really.  unless you call four middle-aged men dealing with mid-life crisis as plot.  well... yeah, i guess...

oooh! i'm happiness!  was looking at things to buy and kutz found matching pink kitty undies .  they are soo adorable.  just had to buy.  i have purty undies.  will post pic.

or not.

hahaha!  di pala dapat.

so the day was totally wasted.  but it was fun, nonetheless. 

i had to take a break.

spent the whole day in tagaytay.

we went there.  ate lunch at teriyaki boy (which was bad), and spent the whole afternoon hanging out in starbucks (which was good).  so we could've done it in manila and avoided the almost an hour travel.  but its sooo much cooler and quieter there, and tagaytay is just about as far as up dil from our house. 

i actually love teriyaki boy.  bad the food in their branch in tagaytay was sucky.  it tasted really bad.  urgh!

i love couches.  one of the reason why i like staying in starbucks.  cors why couch when we can stay upstairs where its nicely cool?

we had to leave coz it was getting pretty cold and we were in summer wear. hehe... 

its so nice when you can just hang out with friend and not talk and do your own thing and still be really, really comfy. 

which i could spend more days like that.

ignore me why don't you.

pfft.

"i'm busy, can't chat right now." that's not so hard to type.

wala pang 5 minutes.

hmp.

p.s.

i miss him.... 

puppy did something major kulet last week.

she likes to mimic kasi the other dogs when she sees them do something.  so one time, while walking her around the neighborhood, they (puppy and the maid) saw another dog playing fetch with the owner.  so our maid told her "gayahin mo yan sam ha?"

and they stayed for a while and looked at the pair.

when they got home, she was put in her cage, and the maid wnet inside the house.  her cage kasi can be opened on top, so we usually leave the top open.

the maid heard her barking, so labas the maid and looked in on her.  she has this squeeky toy barbel, which the maid saw on the ground.  obviously she threw it out, and can't get it by herself.

so the maid picked it up and threw it back inside the cage.  then she went back inside.

after a couple of minutes, sam was barking non-stop again.  when the maid looked out, she saw the toy once again on the floor.

sam!  hindi ikaw yung tao.  gayahin mo yung dog!

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

haven't heard peep from him for a week now.

i miss him.

even though he ignored me yesterday and i was irritated.

even though he never... nevermind.

bottom line:  i miss you.   show up already.

thought of two things when i woke up this morning:

1.  i have an insane need to have everything verbalized.  some things need not be stated, i know.  but i still prefer it that way coz my head operates on a totally different level (not higher, think time-space warp other dimension sort-of thing) 

2.  i'm like the hammer in the gun.  the thing you have to cock before firing the gun.  i'm the safety release of really bad things.