i have too much to do. i seriously need to stop.  for the past few days i can't seem to do anything but sleep once i get home. 

pc's fixed!!!  no more bugs.  yey me!  apparently, i can deal with minor glitches.  hm...

of course coz i was so happy i fixed it last monday, kinarir ko sha.  i cleaned the whole table --pc, drawers et al.  you have no idea how much junk i've got.  and i was online til about 2 in the morning.  this after a whole day with patients.  i thought i've gotten used to the 7 patient thing.  hah!  i wish.  everything was achy the next day.  and i was running on caffeine.  lack of sleep does that to you.  went home tuesday night half asleep.  crossing the streets and riding the jeepneys, i feel like if somebody decides to grab my bag and ran off, i wouldn't even have the energy to shout.  wednesday was another caffeine driven day.  thank gad, wednesdays mean 5 patient workload.  obviously, i'm way behind my schedule on thesis proposal writing. 

so i complained this morning.  what did i get? i got an i-told-you-so shit.  hmp.  apparently, he's always right (or so he says).  more hmp. 

i know i am soooo retarded with this but i just got addicted to sudoku.  seriously.  i started with intermediate.  i feel too good to start with easy. hahaha!

got pissed off with one of my high school students in practicum kanina.  ang kulet kasi.  i seriously hate boys. they're sooo kulet.  especially when they get older.  that's why i stick with really young kids.

haven't heard from bb for a while... i miss him. 

i think someone in practicum place likes me.  one of the sped teacher there to be exact. shet.  feeling nanaman ako... but seriously i think he does.  and because i'm some kinda dumb to knowing about these things he now knows my number.  ack!  i hope he doesn't do anything about it.  it's gonna be pretty uncomfy.  not sure yet... but he might be one of the people giving me a grade at the end of the sem.  i am doing my freakin' practicum there.  i do get graded.  urgh!  complicate my life much.

why do people automatically assume na just coz you're not in a relationship you're picky?  i'm not in one coz i'm just not interested.  i mean, i am interested in being in one but... wala eh.  why force it?  if it's there, it's there.  if not, then wala.

i think i'm kinda' psychic.  he's texting.  it's awful!

i am ignoring.

high school girls can be soo mean at times.  di ba nga one of my kids have difficulty walking.  tapos her classmates think that she's just making up the difficulty to walk thing.  so now they're all eating outside the room during breaks knowing na this girl can't (and won't) go with them.  urgh! evil!  and the poor girl's feeling all bad about it and crying.  according to the other teacher's, the classmates are jealous of the attention she's getting. *sigh*

okei, so now i'm just pissed.

for a million reasons.

i just finished doing half of my room.  so i'm all stressed out and tired.  need to do more cleaning tom.  i still haven't gone through my closets, and under the tables. i have so much junk.  and i have strange compulsion for boxes and baskets and plastic cabinets whenever i'm in the mood to clean.  i like putting my things in cute little boxes and trays and drawers and cabinets, and labeling them. 

it's called compensation. 

my life's messy.  my stuffs are organized and neatly labeled.  "umfriend" [beerkada lingo] is not a label.

back to my million reasons.

still not watched transformers.  thing to do tomorrow. (keeping my fingers crossed it does not rain).

still not done with ONE thesis proposal.  i scheduled it done for last week.  i'm supposed to be on my second now! i need to work on three.  i am never going to get done at the rate i'm going.

YOU.  you make me mad.  and i know i can't be mad at you coz it isn't your fault and i'm just being the insane girl i've always been who just gets way too emotional and attention-seeky.  and i hate you coz i miss you and it sucks.

other reasons are trivial... and so i clean my room.

i nest when i'm pissed and frustrated. 

 

yup.

sucks.

at least i finally got my paycheck.

seriously not enough.

what you get when you miss out on work and you get paid per patient.

and did i mention i just got puked on?

urgh! que horor!

another bad day. pfft!

i have my routines. it's fixed. you can't change my routine and expect me to be ok about it. coz i won't be.

i may be borderline autistic (is there such a thing??). seriously, i don't like my routines changed. i hate it. i resist. bad day.

but apparently, some one else's day is a whole lot worse than mine. my former prof in MA class died this morning.

it always seem strange when someone i know dies. for some reason, my mind can't grasp the whole "dead now" thing. maybe that's why i wanna be dead by the time i'm 30.

watched transformers na pala. finally! i finally got the answer to one of life's many questions: are men born good with evil tendencies, or born bad with good tendencies?

remember how when inanimate gadgets gets in contact with the all sparks, they get animated and turn all nasty? so maybe we are really born evil. that's why being nice is just too hard to do... and pretty impossible for some people.

unfortunately, i still believe that we're all really good deep inside. hence, the attraction to people i feel are "misunderstood".

i wish broken hearts can kill you.

disclaimer: hindi po ako broken hearted. i'm not even inlove right now. just missing someone.

update on the ex-prof. UP might claim his body coz nobody's getting it.  apparently, he has no family.  i hope the bestfriend gets it... 

i finally know na why i'm super bad trip this week and highly emotional. aside from the fact that i'm hormonal... urgh! not cooperating naman kasi eh. how hard is it to help me deal with my drama anyway???

well... uh... medyo hard nga.

but. but. but... insult to the injury! not nice!

i know im talking in fragments again and sounding gibberish. wala lang. trip ko lang to rant.

and i can't pick a fight with anyone. sad. hahaha! i need to get mad at someone and vent and get over it.

can i just go catatonic for a while?

-bad habits, michael tolcher 

i have [whor]rible coping mechanism!

this must be my version of failed suicide...

i bought a new book today. yey me! more time to spend on the-extra-time-i-don't-have-so-go-procrastinaty-on-the-things-to-do.

i now have 2 books lying around which i'm not yet done reading and the sudoku shit thats been eating up all the extra time i spend looking at the kawalan while thinking of what to write.

things to do:

- 2 weekly eval paper for practicum

- activity sheet for the last 2 weeks

- 6 re-eval for patients (i'm done na with one, dapat 7 yan!)

- discharge summary of home care patient

- 3 topic proposals for thesis (i'm halfway done with this na... so yeye!!!)

and sundays is when i do all my shit.

right after my csi marathon.

p.s.

the good thing when i ignore you for days is that you get so much nicer to me when i start talking to you again.  on one hand, you make me feel all better and guilt-free when i'm feeling horrible and sucky.  on the other hand, you lied to me... and i caught you lying.  dumb really. i'm thinking if it's non-negotiable...

 

you know what my problem is? i finally figured it out.

SELECTIVE ATTENTION.

and it's sooo ingrained, its unintentional. i don't even know that i'm doing it (umm... mag-definition of terms???)! i ignore the things that i don't like. that's what got me into the million of troubles i've been in for the past 25 years.

ignoring will not make the bad things go away.

change topic. got the car gasgas today. i so hate reverse. seriously. i get so majorly disoriented with my left and right when looking at the back. yargh.

future passengers, do not piss me off when i'm driving. i have road rage. i don't cope well with anger.

kaya nga the last issue i had eh... so grateful you made me feel less guilty. you always know the right thing to say. unfortunately, i've been ignoring the bad things about you for a long time now...

from BlacKeri
 

 

just came from dinner with a friend. where did we go? ten-tenen! sm bicutan! ang saya. it was supposedly for coffee pala. obviously dahil chaka ang smb, walang kapehan. she said kasi she's around paranaque area today so she wants to meet up. [hence, the amazing idea to meet at sm citeee] so of course i'm game.

"so, baket ka pala nasa paranaque?"

"my bf lives here kasi. magkikita kami."

"ah! where in paranaque sha?

"um... parang 18 ata..."

"severina 18???"

"oo."

"taga-dun ako!"

hahaha. super small world! may cute palang taga-samin? aba'y akalain mo?!

and coz i was feelin' kinda lazy kanina, i went home around lunch time to sleep.  i need sleep.  sleep is good.  tapos i just left the house again for the dinner.  the parents got home before i did, and shempre call naman agad sakin my dad asking where i was and why left.  i'm sure feeling nila i went out on a date [gad! when was the last time i actually did went out!  10 years ago! hahaha] and didn't tell them.  bangag.  and if i did, issue pa ba talaga???  nyargh! 

tomorrow harry potter will be out na! yey!!! can't wait to read it.

i still haven't watched the movie. no time... waaah!

last na.

ayaw na.

i'm tired.

i'm not even asking for halfway...

happy thoughts, happy thoughts

i need happy thoughts.

i lost our bet.

dammit.

sabi na kasing bad to bet eh.

this is not a happy thought.

motivation is a good thing.

bad motivation is a bad thing.

still not a happy thought.

and i think i stopped making sense now.

if i haven't yet.

there is nothing drowning in the bathroom won't clear.

i like water.

water is a happy thought.

i need to beach.

I want to be your saint
Yeah, and I wonder who you've seen
And I hope you've found your dream
When you do I really hope it's what it seems

-love it when you call, the feeling 

i have new kids.  all of them has been diagnosed with autism.  there's this one particular kid that i adore.  she looks about 7 or 8, extremely shy, and kinda bright.  she wears a yellow sparkly headband at all times, and glassess that keeps falling down her nose, making her look like an extremely adorable librarian.  yesterday i was sitting beside her during free time.  she wrote me a letter:

Dear teacher janine,

you are pretty and kind.  thank you for good teacher to us.

                                                                                         isabella

then she made a drawing of me at the bottom of the paper.

i gave her a big hug after she gave me the note.  then, she made another one.  this time she drew a heart and wrote "i love you teacher janine"  with a lot of arrows pointing to the text with the other end saying "READ THIS".

i wanted to give her another hug, but she kept out of reach after she gave me her note.  i didn't understand it that time.  i kept calling her to come sit beside me, but she wouldn't go near.  then she handed me her paper, and told me to write her a letter.  so, i did:

dear isabella,

thank you.  i love you too.

                                                                                    teacher janine

she looked extremely happy after reading the note, came closer, and gave me a big hug.

i wish things are always this easy.
 

i woke up today with issues.

yes, tama ba naman yung so early i the morning ay ma-praning ka about where your life is headed?

you know how when some people keep telling you over and over again how much you suck... at first you don't believe them and then suddenly it slowly starts to sink in and you start believing it?  same thing's been sortof happening to me.  so nobody's telling me how much awful i suck... but i've been told countless of times how i'm such a direction-less loser who doesn't know what to do with her life (ok... so maybe the phrasing was a little bit nicer and i'm sure it was well-meant... i think...).  but the thing is, i think i believe him now.

i feel old.

i feel old and i haven't done anything with my life yet. 

i'm a messy, messy girl with a messy, messy life. 

gad! i need to get out of this funk.