gambling leads to unfortunate events which ends up in tears over inappropriate men.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

just because i almost always fall for guys in a relationship (with someone else), doesn't mean i like being the other girl. 

i also gravitate to unattached emotionally unavailable men.

what does that make me?

a very, very sick girl.

maybe i have masochistic tendencies.  or commitment-phobia.  or maybe i'm just one of those people who's bound for mistresshood or spinsterhood.

my sister has always been the pretty one.  it used to give me a twinge every now and then growing up why i can't be the pretty sister.  why must i be the strange looking social disaster of a sister with ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) tendencies?

i am not the type you show off.  i am the one you make out with in the broom closet, where nobody's watching and the lights are off.

what's up with all the drama?

nothing.  i have no point. 

i'm done with the drama (i hope.)  with this one anyway.  i was wrong to start it anyway.  i had no right.

best way to avoid getting into drama?  avoid people who gives 'em to you. 

exactly my plan. 

Jealousy 
Turning saints into the sea 

Turning through sick lullaby 
Joking on your alibi 
But it's just the price I pay 

-mr brightside, the killers 

some snipets that made my last couple of days...

i'm tutoring a grade 1 boy.  one of the homeworks was reading a story about st. monica and then answering a couple of questions after.  one of the questions goes something like which qualities of st monica is the same as your mother's? 

"they (will) both dies."

um... isip pa tayo ng iba...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

yesterday, i finally gave in and got a massage.  my back pains were killing me!  what's super nice is that there's one just near the gate in the subdi!!!  super convenient!  they are pretty good too, and kinda' cheap.  so yey!  i have a new luho in our place.  i can now get pedis (i'm addicted to pedicures... my concession to being a girl), and now the massage thing. 

for someone small, i have a pretty tough back.  seriously.  i think most of the masseau's i've had were kinda' weirded out by how much pain i can take when it comes to the back.  it's just sooo numb from all the spasms.the masseau told me not to worry, it'll all be out soon.  uh... yeah.  when i retire!  can i just go and get married now to someone who earns well enough so i don't hafta work, so i can just focus on being the perfect housewife? hahaha!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

super toxic last friday coz of the thesis presentation.  i was informed at around 10-something am that topic presentation is scheduled in a first come, first serve basis coz there were 70 people who submitted, and only 40 can be accommodated.  kung hindi mo ba naman talaga mamahalin ang sistema ng UP.  so obviously, i got so pancky and rushed to diliman to get a slot.  super wawa those that didn't.  apparently, not everyone was informed.  totally unfair.  they should have been informed by their respective profs.  this is one of the reasons why i love my practicum adviser.  she cares! 

actually, this sem has been a survivor's series in the univ.  enrollment pa lang toxicity na.  mawalan ka ba naman ng slot even though you pre-regd na in CRS???

so, we (me, kris and jay) were sortof hanging out while waiting for our turn, watching the prof mang-okray sa other presentors...

"ano gagawin mo kapag ni-reject nila all three topics mo?"

"madali lang yan.  tell them, naramdaman mo na bang magkaroon ng sharpnel sa leeg?  wag kang loloko-loko sa 'kin, soc sci grad ako."

or, another alternative could be:

"nasunog na ba ever ang educ building?" 

good thing though, we all got a topic approved.  may thesis na ko! yey!  and funny thing, it took me about 5 minutes to present.  they picked my super easy first choice of topic.  which until now i find strange...  there's got to be a catch here somewhere...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

this blog is in need of a new facelift.  i would try to do it once the things to do clears up...

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

-wasted, carrie underwood 

p.s.

my thesis has officially been approved.  got the e-mail and all.  so i guess that would be a yey... 

was supposed to write about the trauma i had today, but came across my Rorschach Interpretation, so i'll post the interesting bits instead.  talk about short attention span!

so here's highlights of the psych person's report: 

but first things first, disclaimer: lemme' make it clear.  i took the test coz my friend needed someone to practice on.  not for any other purposes or whatever.  yeah, so, i'm defensive.

...somewhat inconsistent in the way you make decisions and solve problems

--> in other words, malabo talaga kong nilalang 

...your behavior may be unpredictable, and both you and the people close to you may find it difficult to anticipate how you are likely to behave

--> again with the malabo.  yes, ipagdiinan natin!

...limited tolerance for frustration and a tendency toward emotional outbursts and impulsive actions

--> poor frustration tolerance and poor impulse control.  shet! pang-OT material! 

...quite inflexible in how you think about things.  You also seem to be very set in your ways.  You are likely to hold firmly to your opinions and beliefs and to have little inclination to consider changing your mind or your point of view

--> in other words, likas na matigas ang ulo.

...strong tendency to deal with challenging situations by imagining how other people might make decisions for you or how a fortunate turn of events might solve your problems

--> so on top of everything, dreamy and kinda' flighty pa... 

...substantial difficulties with your ability to form accurate impressions of yourself and to clearly see the actions and intentions of others

-->  ...and some kinda' manhid

...willing as most people to become involved in emotional situations ...ability to remain involved and reasonably comfortable in social interactions, even when strong feelings are being expressed

--> so, uh, does this mean i am not a commitment-phobic as some people assume?  or just that i'm socially competent?

i have no idea what this test is actually gunning for.  i didn't see anything i didn't know before... 

you have to understand this is major impulse control for me.

to not ask.

to not know.

gad! this feels horrible.

i'm dying to know.

please make my life easier and just tell me... 

I think I know now why people stay in abusive relationships.  It’s the thought that nobody will love you the way you want to be loved.  It’s the thought that he alone can give you what you need.  It’s the thought that he alone understands you.

The problem with psychological battering is that, unlike being physically abused, there are no tell-tale marks.  No cuts, no bruises, no marks left to be seen.  Everything’s all in your head.  He feeds on your insecurities.  He pounces on your weakness.  He tears up all your defenses slowly and constantly.  Imagine having a solid wall in front of you.  Sure a man with a hammer can’t possibly break that down with a few strong hits.  But what if he does this every single day, ramming that hammer on your wall?  Eventually, there will come a point where it will break.  And you’ll be left with this gaping wall, vulnerable to each attack.

It seems really stupid to fall for someone who does nothing but hurt you.  But things never start that way.  In the beginning, he would shower you with attention.  Give you everything you ask.  Help you patch your life when things get sucky.  Sooner or later, he starts giving these "helpful" advices more often than asked.  Sooner or later, he starts with the criticism.  Sooner or later, the insults, nicely veiled in the spirit of wanting the best for you, starts coming.  sooner or later, that's all you ever get to hear. 

It’s easy to say, break it off.  It’s easy to say, you don’t let people treat you like dirt.  The thing is, you don’t usually realize what’s really been happening until you’ve sunk in waist-deep; and by that time, it’s harder to break away.  I’m not saying it’s impossible.  But it’s very hard.  It takes a strong person to get out of such alive, much less unscarred. 

First step is the realization that you are in a horribly messy relationship and you need out.  Unfortunately, that’s the easy part.  Everything that comes after is harder, if not almost impossible for those with weak impulses.

is there anyone out there

cause it's getting harder and harder to breath

-harder to breath, maroon 5 

life is good.

i'm actually happy right now.  haven't figured out why yet.  i have more reasons to rant about: i'm sorely behind research work kat needs done; i have overdue papers for practicum which i'm tamad to write; i haven't started yet on the IEP i'm required to submit before the end of term; i haven't begun actual work for thesis; i still have no idea what to do for project to submit to practicum place; i haven't worked for the past 3 days hence no money; and, i need to make up for lost practicum hours. (whew!)

and according to penny, my love life sucks.  (such nice friends have!) 

but you know what, i'm still happy.

the source of my happiness is the cause of all my pain.

i've stopped trying to make sense of my thoughts.  some things are just too complicated.

watched the lookout last week.  super nice!  they said it's like memento, but i haven't seen it yet, so... friends who go to divi and the like, please please please buy me dbd. pay you when i see you...

basically the plot is about this guy who used to be a hotshot hockey player in high school who got into a major car accident which damaged his frontal lobe.  eniweiz, so he has really really bad short term memory so he needs to write important things down in his small pocket notebook (sequencing exercise: i wake up. take a bath. with soap. i eat breakfast...).  slightly bad impulse control, so he keeps saying out loud what he's thinking ("i think about fucking you all the time" and "i want to see you naked"  such killer lines, i know.)  and he lives with a blind guy.  it's soo nice.  they live independently!  although there was a point in the movie where he forgot how to use a can opener.  and he got so frustrated. sad. 

eniweiz, basic plot is that he's some kinda special who works as a janitor in a bank, and some guy he knows back in high school planned to rob the bank he works in, and he's the look out.

they say borne ultimatum is good?  really? let's watch! 

ok. so i think i'm bipolar.  totally getting emo a few minutes ago.  how come i never get what i want?

i'll get the hang of this mood swings soon.

i'm trippin' on blue eyeshadow. it's just soo adorable.  the fact that i have no idea how to put it on does not seem to bother me at all. 

scary eyes!

dunno' how to make it bluer.  the shot was kinda' dark.  i blame rhods for this.  the eyeshadow fetish, not the pic.  buti na lang hindi nakakahawa ang bright red lipstick.  

took off from the pc the whole day today.  (gabi na.)  felt like doing things where i was not supposed to think.  made my alphabet sandpaper.  i'm halfway done with the project i plan to submit in practicum place. yey!  i hope they think it enough to cover 75 hrs... its hard work!  will post finished product.  and i wrapped half the books i own with no cover with plastic cover.  i have plastic cover fetish.  i like my books all covered in plastics.  i just don't like using rubber.

somebody's being nice to me again.  i know you're grateful.  no worries, no need to pretend you care.  too much drama?  haha! i'm just sooo done with this.

words of wisdom from the pretty, pretty penny lane (caught almost famous in etc channel):

never take it seriously.  if you never take it seriously, you'll never get hurt.  if you never get hurt, you'll always have fun.

clinic friend's birthday next week.  we've been harassing her to invite us over to her house.  she plans a separate thingy with her school friends, and us.  of course, ve and i were bugging her to no end to invite us over with her school friends.

"there will be guys we don't know in your party right? we need to meet new guys!" 

"will you change you're mind if i promise not to drink?"

i should try to post something with sense soon...   

so maybe i've got him figured out wrong...

maybe he does *slightly* care...

i know i have temper tantrums...

i know i ask too much...

i know i have no right to demand anything from you...

and yet you willingly put up with it...

and you make up for things we both know you shouldn't...

i have absoultely no idea what all of these mean...

hello.  i'm oblivious.  and you are?

So why did I kiss him so hard late last friday night
And keep on letting him change all my plans
I'm either so sick in the head
I need to be bled dry to quit
Or I just really used to love him
I sure hope that's it

-used to love him, fiona apple

x: "i think i'm going to be late."

hmm... so he just left.

i: "why? traffic ba much?"

x: "very.  it's not moving and i'm near libis pa lang."

i: "i'll think of something to do first." 

i don't mind waiting.  have things to be done first anyway.

x: "and the weather's really bad."

puneta.  nagpaparinig na ata 'to ah! 

i: "so you want cancel na lang?"

give me the wrong answer and i'll have your neck.

x: "ok lang?"

i: "i don't like."

i'm not going to lie to you...  cancel on me and i'm picking a fight.

x: "i'm in front of lydia's pa lang."

i: "so ano plano mo?"

sige lang talaga...

x: "it's you're choice.  what do you want?"

i: "i don't want to cancel.  i don't want a re-sched."

tumino ka. na-ba-bad trip na ko.

x: "ok.  i will be there."

good job. 

after getting all the things i need, and finally settling down for about 10 minutes, he was there.

**there were other stuff in between but that pretty much summed it up.  the dinner was fun.  i couldn't eat much though.  it's one of those days where i have really erratic eating habits: no dinners.  the movie was good.  although we did get in a little late.  apparently i was the only one in a hurry to go to the movies on time.  so he did get to work alot late, and we did get lost twice (made wrong turns in edsa), but it was a fun night.

no hugs. no holding hands. no kissing either.

i have no idea if i was disappointed or not.

**of course, now you get all flirty with me when we're not together?!  you're strange.

/EDIT/

on hindsight, i was a major brat.  i really have a hard time dealing with sched changes.  it fucks up my system.  and yes, i do know that's not a valid excuse.

i don't make paragraphs anymore.  can't. apparently random is the only language i know. 

hmmm... i think i meant sense.

let's try to make a sense of order of the things to tell.

school stuff:

still no thesis work done. shit.  sept na! waaah! di na ko graduate by march!!!

practicum:

had teaching demo this morning.  amazing! of all the days for one of the kids to have tantrums.  now pa!  now pa na i'm being graded by the prof.  i got bitten and kicked.  and my hair was pulled.  kung di ko lang love ang batang yun (and the prof wasn't looking)... *sigh* 

we played games kanina.  my right arm and upper back are aching!  haven't played badminton for a reeeaaaly long time.  and major games kanina.  then we played dodge ball, which was fun!  i missed playing.  oh! and i managed to shoot a ball from the free throw line. amazing!  of course, i looked pretty idiotic with the throwing: both legs kicking up backwards.  but I. GOT. THE. BALL. IN.  which is, like, the point.  in fairness, when one of the boys tried doing it my way, he was FINALLY! able to get a shot in.

40 HOURS MORE TO GO! WOHOO!  one of the teachers promised to give me 100 hours for my project.  yey me!  and i think he's sorta' crushin' on me too.  at least he doesn't make me feel uncomfy, which more than i can say for the other guy (who, btw, thank gad, finally stopped). they were actually sortof picking on other guy kanina coz he was staring too much i think at someone.  not sure. wasn't paying attention much.  baka nag-move on na sha, at may pinagtripan ng iba. wohoo!

more randomness:

here's the shirt that i was wearing today.  i love this shirt.  sana lang it came in pink...

I am a pig! (cutie isn't it??)

 and here is one of the project that i'm going to submit:

i'm a fag hag.  that's the first word i came up with.  was looking for a letter that goes up, and another that goes down.  and of course, the vowel in between.  i'm sooo proud of this work.  it was fairly easy to do, but it looks niiice!  it's for this kid with low vision (he can read texts but only if its placed touching his glasses at around size 24 font).  so he needs pre braille activities.  therefore, sand paper letters with a twist!  he knows his alphabet already.  but i'm not sure if he knows them by touch, therefore the sand paper letter.  his teacher said he' beginning to read now, therefore he needs to work on his CVCs (consonant-vowel-consonant). so i have this perfume box, which has a hole in the middle to push off the letters.  and the letters are placed on styro wrapped in wallpaper so it's cheap and won't get broken (easily).  i made letters a-z (naturally).  karir ang tawag dyan!

love life:

zilch.  i mean, he is still lurking around.  being nice and all.  but i'm suspicious and paranoid.  so i doooon't know.  besides, i don't think i should consider him love life... always na lang with crisis. hmp. see? suspicious and paranoid!

and i think nag-disappear na ang japan. feeling ko lang. *sigh*