I'm your typical girl: fickle, undecided, and perpetually loss in the metro; therefore, always in need of saving.  I should try to be more independent, but playing damsel in distress has been highly addictive.  I'm pretty much incurable of bad habits, mainly getting obsessive on emotionally unavailable men.  It's chronic, really; and very um... bad.

I have this thing about security, and yet my lifestyle is completely without one.  I work part-time (all the time), so without the benefits you get from a 9-5 job, and without the career growth.  how much higher can you go from being the physical therapist in a clinic where you're the only physical therapist?  and my job as pre-school teacher in a small school where the only higher position is to be the owner kinda' eliminates the growth factor thing.  maybe going to the US is the way to go...  i have no love life to speak of.  i can't be in a decent relationship.  it's like everything's there except the strings.  i should try being with a good guy.  you know, the sort who'd want the strings to be attached, and be madly in love with me.  but seeing that pretty much is an impossibility maybe i should just accept my fate of growing old single and unemployed.  can i do suicide now?

there's soo much to tell really.  like how the atm ate my money so now i'm going for broke, and that japan apparently still exist and that made my week, and how much i'm hating when cellphone gets broken, and how i'll back to my old preschool come  october and still undecided about the college instructor thing.

hm... longs story short,  that pretty much sums up my entire week.

funny quote from firefly:

"the patient is cynical (cyanotic) and not responding (unresponsive)... his pupils are dilapidated (dilated)."

thanks to Grace for telling tina, head teacher of former pre school i work in, that i'm free na by oct, i have an offer to work again in playschool.  she even agreed na i can work lang thrice a week!  kasi i have 2 days of clinic. 

after the conversation, went through my mail and found that the position for college instructor is still open!  doing it sounds a lot like fun too.  it's in manila so easier to access libraries for thesis, and college instructor seems more professional than pre school teacher. hehehe... on the downside, i have no idea how much they're offering, and i have to consider my transpo and other gastos whenever i'm in manila.  and there's seriously more work to be done with the CI position.

so because i was feeling undecided, had a chat with um... him. 

he's a little condescending, but he does have a point.

so pre school it is.

gad! i'm sooo bad with decision making. 

yesterday has been horribly good.

emo mornings have never been fun.  i suck at the dealing, but... i gotta' suck it in, and deal i must coz its pointless.  i could list a milllion reasons why it has got to stop --all for my sanity and emotional well-being.  i am a sick, sick girl.  i need to deal with this now.  it's gone on far too long, and sticking around will make it even harder than it already is. 

and to deal, i need to drink.  lots!  will post the post drunken-ness pictures once i get it.  this is the before shot:

birthday boy is aris, the guy at the far left.  pretty girl in blue somewhere in the middle is venus.  she's single and available, and we're pimping her. hahaha! 

before the party, went to divi and feu to get stuff.  wow! it's true!  you really can buy everything there.  there were ready-made-thesis galore!  and there were tons of books!  amazing.  then went out and bought dibidi.  i now have the 8-in-1 thingy with serenity (yey!), season 3 of house, and oddly sweeny.  have no idea about the last movie but it's tim burton starring johnny depp.  must buy.

one of the former CAMPer people has a clinic somewhere in ayala alabang.  i know that most of the people there have money, and i'm sure they can afford to pay for all the needs of their special kiddies.  but that does not mean that that should be taken advantaged of.  my friend told me that most of the parents of kids having their therapy there were complaining that the clinic charges waaay to much.  honestly, the regular rate isn't really the problem.  relatively, it's not that high.  but it does get kinda' nasty with the other charges.

we have this rule, if you want therapy canceled, you need to call beforehand.  preferably, 30 mins before the start session.  otherwise, the session will be charged in full.  it's a given.  unfortunately, with them, since it's a "program", there is no such thing as canceled session.  regardless if you gave ample notice, you will be charged.  i will have no problem with that if they make-up for it instead.  like change date and time to do the missed session.  but they don't.  then, there was this instance when the kid and his family are going out of the country for two weeks, they were charged the full "program fee", plus retainer's fee so that the clinic will still keep the kid's slot.  that is totally unfair!  you paid for the program already, why pay a separate retainer's fee??

to top it off, 50-50 the rate of the therapists working  there, per session.  it's just not right.  it's not like as if these people are even employed.  they're not.  they don't get benefits at all.

the owner said it's coz that clinic is working for profit. you're in the health-service industry, maybe i'm being such an idealist, but i find it a very unethical business practice.  obviously, i will never get rich.  i guess unless i inherit (which is highly unlikely... you need rich parents for that), or i marry rich (marry? hah! i can't even have a decent love life ever since... ever!).

l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l

i'm kinda hating the new SpEd building in practicum place.  i find it discriminating.  parang ayaw nilang isama sa regular school proper!  there's a door from the outside going to the SpEd building, which is nice.  but!  it has to be connected to the regular school right?  so dapat may daanan pa rin.  they can't have the kids from SpEd going to regular classes pass through the door going outside the school grounds.  this is the entrance from main school to SpEd building:

the rest of the space on the left side is the gym.  then there's this wide hallway going to main (regular school) building.  basically that tiny space is what connects one to the other.  grabe! parang part sha ng school talaga!

eto pa ang panalo!

this news is totally irrelevant, but i just need to share. bb's back!   and i saw him yesterday.  and i'm really glad i saw him.  and i can't wait to see him again real soon.  he looks good.  same as before actually. and i still sortof like him.  dunno if he likes me though.  prolly not... eniweiz, i still wanna see him soon-ish. and regardless, i'm still happy. i swear, sometimes, i seriously don't make sense.

i must admit, sunday made me all giddy. 

but this not replying is making me feel ignored and pouty.  and a little self-conscious... have i gotten fugly?

but

but

but... i'm trying to curb the impulse of getting too attention-seeky now.  it's a bad habit anyway.  i'm trying to cure myself of bad habits.

baby steps, baby steps...

still excited with thoughts of thursday.

and beer.

hahaha!

AND i curb other urges now. i pat myself on the back. 

good job! 

finally got the pics! yey!  apparently, mabenta pala kami ni venus that night!  hahaha! wtf-?!  i look horrible drunk.  like someone who can't open her eyes and overdid it with the blush.  not even the cap can make me look good.

 face red. check. sleepy eyes. check. stupid grin. check.  = drunk.

sabi ni june side naman para kita sha... 

this was when i start slipping...

see? that yosi was tempting me!!! 

lessons learned:

1. ang yosi may alcohol content.  therefore do not smoke and drink.

2. drink only in one position.  preferably sitting down. once you move out of position, you get drunk.

seriously!  never realized i was drunk til i got up from my chair.  i wasn't even the least bit woozy!  then i stood up, and whoosh! drunk.

3.  do not put me within any distance from a camera when i'm drinking.  i'm bad enough when i haven't drunk yet.  i could be so much more the camwhore.

myhand is actually trying to keep my head from falling over... gad! how horrible is that tummy!

see that pack on my elbow, i smoked 1 1/2 stick.  why half?  coz i lost coordination and dropped it on the ground.

how they knew i was drunk:

yosi slips.  falls to the ground.  i pick it up.  try to stub out the light.

maggie: wag mong sabihing gagamitin mo pa yan.

me: hindi. pinapatay ko.

maggie: baket di mo na lang tapakan.

me: (pause.  drops the yosi.  squish it with my foot.)

madali naman akong kausap eh. 

harrasment of joshua! (the kid)

strange.  but this shot actually made me look like i have boobies.  where did that come from??? 

4.  drinks make you sleepy.  drink only when near a bed. hahaha!

that would be me falling asleep real soon... 

kissy faced drunks are scary!!! 

hinaharras si june.  di raw sha patol girl.  hah!

and this now would be everyone who was there. 

obviously i don't know half of the people there.  i don't socialize when i'm drunk.  i stick with the people i know. see?  i have survival instincts!  at least i won't wake up the next day in some strange bed with some strange man (yes.  i'm using singular here.)... and possibly woman for that matter. hahaha!

i don't need alcohol to pull off stupid stunts.  i can do stupid all on my own. 

bad news first:

major, major bad news: got the car bangga!

the car:

TADA! 

i know i suck with reverse.

i know i haven't tried to do a 180 yet. 

i know i'm alone in the car and the driver wouldn't be able to help me out if i get damaged.  i AM the drvier.  sheesh.

but still, i tried to do a 180. 

then i heard a crunch.

obviously i couldn't do it. 

i am a wreck.

bad news number 2: had my thesis topic approved already last month.  unfortunately, my thesis adviser did not like it.  wants it changed.  leche!  i have until tom (very early morning) to come up with one.

then, the good news:

so there was dinner.  and... it was worth the wait. i want longer time next time... *tee-hee* of course i don't get text messages, which in my world kinda' sucks, but if i get to see more of him, then i don't mind much... if i don't get that either... urgh! prepare for more emo entries.

i'm done with practicum! yey! they asked me to "contribute" school supplies instead of finishing the remaining 10+ hours i need to do. the fact that i'm broke right now matters not.  i want that thing over and done with!

/EDIT/

coz i'm kinda' superstitious on how accident-prone i am this week, i made sure i'm seriously safe. i now have little white thingies in my wallet to keep me sane when i get major reckle

i really should learn how to deal with things better.  waiting is good.  unfortunately, i don't know patience.

i'm really no good with people.  adults anyway.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 

i like the fun as much as the next person, but i can't deal if i don't feel you like me even just the slightest bit. i need attention. i am immature that way.  i can't handle adult relationships at all.  not the ones i seem to be putting myself into anyway.

maybe in a way it's my fault.  i've gotten so used with ex i have no idea how to deal with other people differently. 

ex is an ass yes, but he does have his good points.  not enough for him not to be an ass, but just enough to make me come back again and again. he knows how to pay attention, and i can be pretty gullible.  i guess a small part of me is kinda' regretting driving him away... but it's really for the best.  i can't have that i-bash-myself-on-the-wall-non-relationship we've had for the the two and a half years.  it's just plain stupid. and although i miss his company, i don't feel anything for him anymore.  i have a thing for emotional attachments.  things are always better when i'm emotionally attached.  complicated with much more drama, yes, but still alot better.

 I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

it was a kinda' piss-y morning with the being ignored.  now it's just sad. i don't understand him at all.  i don't know how i'm supposed to act, what i'm supposed to do.  it's confusing.

i think when i comes to dealing with people, you should have a locator map. 

better right?  with the arrows and all.  know exactly where you are.  i'm bad with the knowing.  for some reason, i don't understand things unless you tell them to me.

i have had a change of heart.  i've been taking things waaay seriously than i should.  really!  fun is fun.  what's with all the drama and making it complicated? enuf with the whines and the wallowing.  besides, the fun really is fun.  after the longest time, i deserve a break from all these sugar and nice and everything spice... no, wait... um... whatever.  i'm not sure until when it's gonna last.  and right now, well... the last time anyway, has been majorly good.  maybe gong on break does that.  or maybe i just forgotten how good it really is.  i mean, whatever, i'm in.  all the way. *wink, wink*

so, new leaf. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

i have decided not to graduate anymore.  i can't.  it's just too much hassle.  i can't.  of course, agreeing with me was not the popular opinion.

and he was actually serious with 10 proposal shit.  the lecture was actually alot longer... but lets not dwell on it much.  some people get a hard on from giving me lectures.  strange, strange...

he's right though, better get my ass on track, otherwise... ulk! 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 

so i watched firefly. twice. i love, love, love that show!  will post about it when i have time . 

i can't can't can't come up with a thesis topic.  i'm seriously thinking of giving up on this.  i know it's stupid to be giving up now when i'm on my last step, but... i just can't.  i'm stuck.  i've been staring at the computer for hours.  nothing works.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

he's different now.

(it's inevitable with some people i guess.) 

"the number you dialed is not yet in service."

i've been trying to re-connect. 

coz i resist change. 

but i think there's nothing there anymore.

i'm stubborn though, so i persist with the trying.

...maybe soon i will get tired and give up. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

i wish today's a work night.

it would've been a very nice distraction.

...that's my problem.  always looking for a distraction. 

late night conversations are turning me suicidal. 

i can not go through my day drunk from caffeine and still half asleep, resolved to be in bed by 10 but being up til 1 in the morning talking.  this has got to stop.  i have no idea why it's even done in the first place. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 

something that does not make sense:

so apparently, GMA was game with the pardoning erap thing, which in my opinion is idiotic.  don't give in too soon!  the man just got acquitted!  pero mas panalo si erap. 

"if there is an assurance of an absolute pardon, which would not amount to an admission of guilt, i'm open..."

wtf-?! di ba the fact that you were pardoned means you were guilty of something?  (let us ignore the fact that plundering may or may really be his crime.  court's decision.  i don't care.  basta they decided he was guilty.) the fact you accept the pardon means you accepted the forgiveness granted to you.  it does not make sense.  and absolute?!  hindi man lang matuwa to a reduction of sentence from lifetime to uh... hm... matanda na pala sha noh?  weeeel, no pardon then.

Deceased name:

Pacheco    Janine    E.

Gender: 

Female

Date of death:

26 September 2007

Age:

25 y/o

Cause of Death:

Hemorrhagic stroke secondary to tutorial 

first day back in playschool. 

gad! i miss my kids!

they were soooo sweet.  sam made a card with pretty flowers and a rainbow, and kassie kept feeding me her cookies.

i came in late.  it was traffic!  really!  actually according to t. julie, the kids have been asking for me since they got there.  i miss hearing my daily dose of "i miss you"s and "i love you"s, with kisses and hugs.

dammit. i want kids! hahaha!  well, not right now...

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 

went to CAMP this afternoon to research for thesis topic.

yes, yes... in spite of my profession of never wanting to graduate, i still do drag myself up to do research despite knowing it's futile.   

and i came up with... TADA! one topic.  well, two but not sure how to do it yet.  just got a couple of ideas floating, which hopefully i will be able to write down and send to prof.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

went to ward 7 PGH after and visited aileen.  she's doing medical internship.  not a patient.  i saw the nameplate: dr. aileen, i felt a stab of jealousy.  i should have been there with her.  we should've been classmates!  instead i didn't show up during the physicals.  *sigh*

well actually, no regrets with my decision.  i chose freedom.  well, sortof freedom.  my parents are way strict.  that's a given. i'm actually allowed a whole lot more right now coz i'm working already.  i wouldn't have been able to go out of town, or stay out later than 12 on weekends, or sleep over some friends house if i went to med school.  it sounds stupid really, to pick this over the other, but its hard living with a very short leash for a looong time.  i still can't completely do whatever i want right now, but i get to do more.  and that's the whole point.  it's actually one of the driving forces behind why i wanna leave the country.  i need to get away.

it's really been a while since aileen and i talked.  2 years i think.  and it's so amazing how easily we connected again.  now i know why we were such good friends even after college.   i was just supposed to stay for 15 minutes, we ended up talking for 2 hours! 

we talked about everything and everyone.  she still does not like my taste in men, but she did tell me at least i wasn't seeing anyone 'in a relationship'.  so that's a good sign.  and apparently, some guy i used to see back in ,who was absolutely adorable but boring (not boring really, but we don't connect, so i didn't see the point of being with a yummy man i can not talk with), is in some soap opera in channel 7.  wow! my only claim to fame is by association with some guy who used to like me a long, long  time ago.  i need to see if it's really him though.  i really don't watch tv anymore.

funny thing with aileen, we had this huge fight before where we did not talk for about a year.  ok.  so not really huge fight.  more of me, going away and not talking to her.  all because of a boy.

i hate her boyfriend.  um... hate is too strong a word... i don't like him.  at all. i couldn't stand being with him.  everytime we're near each other, we pick a fight.  petty ones really.  but i know it makes her uncomfy.  i sortof put up with it for a year.  then i decided that she was really having a hard time with the bf and i bickering with every little thing, so i decided to stop talking to her.  i wasn't being mean.  i just don't want it to end up with her having to choose between us.  so i went away.  i was the ass. i show my love in strange little ways really...

we did make up though.  so i guess everything still turned up well.  she is still with the bf with plans to marry next year.  and i'm ok with the bf-turned-fiance as long as i wouldn't have to see him *hihihi*

"we plan to get married na next year."

"wow! talaga?"

"yup. pero super small wedding lang."

"ooh. invited ako?" 

"actually hindi sinabi ko lang sa'yo. shempre naman oo!"

sabi kasi nya small eh... hehehe... 

strange, but most everybody i know who is in a relationship right now, is either breaking up or getting married next year.  dammit.  does that mean i need to get married next year? hahaha! crazy talk.

rude awakening: i guess the fun with the fun was one-sided.  i think i'm the only one into it.  oh well...

 I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

ex keeps on pushing  me to UK.  i know he applied to work there, but i don't like that country.  it's cold.  i don't care how much money i'll possibly make.  i am not made for horrible weather.  i like my sun.  he knows that.  still... i am a little touched.  he checks for job stuff for PT and things i could possibly do there, while he looks for one for himself. 

no we are not together.  not even close to being together.  but we still do talk...  and we fight...  and he bosses me around.  but no, nothing's back.  still not seeing him.

major guilt issues. 

i had no idea my friend is going through depression right now.  spiraled down  the last 5 months actually.  i should have known.  taken her seriously.  instead, i focused on my stupid petty issues which have no point.  if you think i rant and whine alot, she does it twice as much as i do.  i guess with things in my life getting amplified a million times over coz sometimes i just like having personal tragedies like that, i ignored her calls for help.  it just never made sense to me that time.  i should have asked about it.  i should have taken her seriously from the start.  gad! this is horrible.  she doesn't have any support right now.  the family doesn't know, most of the friends don't believe her either.

she's asking me to bora with her.  more than anything, i want to go to keep her company.  she needs looking after.  i may not be the best person around to look after someone else, but at least someone is going to be there.  unfortunately, i doubt i can go.  the cost of the travel and accommodations are the same as the seminar workshop i'd be attending next week.  i do not have that much money.  i can only pick one.  i feel lousy for choosing to attend the seminar-workshop, and i feel i should make up for it somehow.

i know she doesn't need my pity and all, and that's not really what i feel right now.  i want her to get better... if that's actually possible.  i do know her problems are real.  she quit her job (most of it anyway.  she kept only one.).  she doesn't text, shop and coffee anymore.  things she used to do alot before.  these are petty things that used to make her happy.  now nothing does.  i just wish i could do something about it.

fine.

you win.

i give up.

you make me weepy.  

 ...

fine. my hormones are making me weepy.  i have too much right now.  i am sooo getting this out of my system once i finish the pack.  my mood swings are killing me. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

friend had a drama.

friend: basta, alam ko love nya ko.

me: baket hindi ka nya hinahabol?

i know i made perfect sense (friend agreed with me on this one), but i wasn't being nice either.  sometimes i talk to other people like how i would with myself.  

i'm not nice to myself.

i want to do a cameron to a chase to get it over with house.  unfortunately, guy playing chase does not say i like you every tuesdays. 

we must not settle for a lukewarm lover

and a mild happiness

for deep down we know that lukewarm lover turn cold

and mild happiness will become nameless sadness