i had a strange dream.  (chemically induced?)  and well, it sortof made sense.

i chose to like the wrong guy.  i thought he was nicer and all.  but apparently, he's nicer only when he has a gf.  gad! they should never have broken up.  or he should've gotten  someone new before he came back.  i'm not after a relationship.  i like the fun and the texts and the conversations.  the commitment and exclusivity et al, i can live without. 

gad! this made more sense to me?! hahaha!

i am sooo fucked up!

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

helping friend out with the wedding plans.  should be fun.  might as well help her out seeing that that prolly would never happen to me given my strange strange before with relationships and such.

i get panic attacks when i get into a relationship.  seriously.  the first one, which doesn't really count coz we didn't stay together long enough to be in a relationship was the worst.  we've been sortof together for 2 years, and he wants commitment.  i don't.  i liked him alot but, i don't want to be in a relationship with him.  so one night i kinda gave in and said fine.  let's be together. exclusivity and all.  i woke up the next day feeling suffocated and panicky.  i broke up with him the next day. 

bf number 2 lasted alot longer.  the panic attacks were drawn out longer.  less than the first, but it still came to the point that i really couldn't anymore.   of course, i gave some pretty good excuse on why we have to break up.  it lasted longer, but still not long enough to count in my book.

the first time ex said "i love you", i was speechless and i wanted to run away.  hahaha!  i know i was supposed to say something back but i couldn't.  i eventually did.  it was the first time that i ever did actually.  but it took me a long while.

i think there's something messed up in my head. 

but i'm loving people in normal relationships.  i want normal.  i want to react normal. 

i need change.

i need to do something new.

i need a high.

OCTOBERFEST NA!!!!!!!!!!

wala lang.

random shit that has no point. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

from the new ep of grey's anatomy... 

Derek: So, this is it?

Meredith: Yeah.

Derek: We're breaking up?

Meredith: We're breaking up.

Derek: [Walks to Meredith] We're broken up.

Meredith: It's done.

[They start kissing]

Derek: Break-up kiss.

Meredith: Break-up kiss.

Derek: [Removes his jacket] Lets have break-up sex.

Meredith: Yeah, lets have break-up sex.

so, um... can we have break-up sex even though we've never been together?

this is funny for reasons i don't wanna' share anymore. hehehe... 

in pre-school this morning, we were discussing numbers.  they had to write their answers on a board, and i told them to raise it up when they're done.  everybody did except kassie, coz on the last minute she erased her answer.  but she got it right.  after i told everyone the corect answer, i found her sulking and in tears. 

me: what's wrong?

kassie:  (from sulking to crying...) 

me: why are you crying? 

after 5 minutes...

kassie: so hard to study... (tears evermore...)

waaah! i feel your pain.  iyak na lang tayong dalawa.  ayaw ko na rin eh.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

 ok i admit.  i am maarte. i'm not denying it.  i don't know exactly if it's the way i talk (which is not really maarte, but more of bading. hahaha).  or coz of how i do things (i'm special.  i need to do things in certain ways else i get pissed off).  i know i sound arte.  gad! i talk like an airhead most times.  but i have language content!  yeah, i suck with the form.  but still... content!  point!  and i have language function... which is good...  coz it's not out of context.

and well, i just don't get why they hate me. 

...

then again, it's not like i actually care. 

have the new grey's ep na! yey! 

hating lexie.

still loving mere.

alex is still the hottest.

izzy is just freakin' hopeless.  fine. she's the resident with a "heart".

 derek is still my mcdreamy.

and i think cristina got nicer. 

message me if you want the file sent. 

had to give my sched for work.

i just realized my hands are sooo full with all my things to do (ah! the term... the memories... *sniff, sniff*... overdosing hormones! bah! hahahaha)

this is what it looks like... generally...

**clinic for 2 whole days.

**1-2-hour tutorials 4 times a week.

**pre-school mornings 3 times a week.

**1-hour home care twice a week.

**and i somehow need to manage to do research for thesis (which is seriously time-consuming! and lives far far away in diliman and manila) and have a social life.  (yes let's put thesis and social life in the same category!).

of course include pa the travel time, coz that's not exactly in the same place.

of course if i do accept this other work now (depending on the hours...), i have no idea when to sqeeze in the thesis and the social life. 

course next week is gonna' be different, with the no work thing coz of the seminar workshop i want to attend... but still... next week is like a vacation!

but why do i do this to myself???  there's nothing wrong with free time...

well, actually, i do have free time.  which gets eaten by travel time...  and by the fact that i hate starting early, so work starts after lunch when it's not fixed, unlike clinic and preschool.

hmm... i actually love my life...  if only i wouldn't need to commute forever and i have a fixed social life and i have more money; then life would be perfect. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

funny.  apprently i'm really super obvious when i'm pissed and/or not liking.  i do try!  i'm just not a believable faker.  must really work on the containing emotion thingy. makes for less drama for one.  hehehe...

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

and see???? i'm not really so hard to appease (if you want to).  i love explanations.  and seriously, how hard does it really take me to believe excuses?  hahaha!  yep.  i'm pretty gullible that way.  some people though, i know when they're lying.  i'm sum kinda psychic (psychotic??) that way.  i guess some people are easier to read than others.  i guess i'm not as oblivious as i believe.

 should always remember to follow my first instinct.  my first instinct is always good.  my first instinct told me to ride that cab.  but nooooo.  stupid other voice told me to just walk coz it's just near.  of course it's not near.  not when you get lost and had to go from city hall to lawton and back (albeit through another route).

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 

so i think interview went well.

i know ex gave me crap for actually thinking about going through it, and would prolly go through his i-told-you-so mode when i come ranting coz i'm getting majorly stressed out (if i accept the job); but i just wanna try out the interview thing.  i have weird kicks.

strange. some people actually think i'm pretty.  what's up with that???  and it wasn't just in my head!  hahaha!

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

thank gad i talked with this girl while waiting to get interviewed!  we had to do this demo, so i saved mine in my usb.  i was told they have everything there already.  so i didn't bring laptop.  but girl i met and talked with did.  yey!  so i borrowed hers. yeah, i know! i'm sooo kapal!

after she found out i've been working with kiddies for the past few years:

"kaya pala ang lambing mo magsalita and parang palaging nag-e-explain." 

wha-huh???

wow! i talk sweet?  is that why some people have this misconception that i'm sweet?

so i now have an excuse why i talk arte.  that's coz i work with kids all the time.  bwahahaha! 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

i remember while reviewing for state boards, they had this topic on ethics (which we didn't back in college... or maybe we did, i just wasn't paying attention... most often the case).  so the interviewer can't ask you your nationality (i guess, ours would be region?) and marital status.  it's unethical.

it was a panel interview.  one of the md's asked me if i have other obligations?  family?  in a relationship (o, di ba how friendster-ish?)?  so of course, i replied, single.  fine.  maybe it's ok to ask that.  but really, do you need to ask me why?!

then afterwards they went on about how most of the faculty are single available men.  hmmm... so what are you trying to imply?  that having available men around is one of the perks of the job? hahaha!  now that would be good if i actually believe in "office relationships", which i don't.  too much drama for the likes of me.  i like 'em not in my world.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

so today was a total waste with the research thingy.  they asked me to go there coz they need to present to the client, but when we got to serendra, they did something else where i'm not needed.  yarghh! kate invited me to eat at

though.  and because i'm cheap and easy like that, i stopped getting all pouty.  it was sooo yummy!

we got two each.

this was my first choice:

chocolate cream pie

it was waaay too expensive though.  but the first 5 bites or so were sooo good.

unfortunately, after that it was hell-ish having to finish the thing.  it was waaay to sugary sweet.  i think i got sugar overload.  i couldn't really move.  just kinda' stared off into space.  that's when we realized, cupcakes is best eaten with peppermint tea.

the tea felt great.

anything that could make me not sick of eating cupcake that time would be a life-saver.

so now i know: cupcake and tea always go together.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

my dad's gonna' buy me na the ipod this weekend.  yey me!  how the hell do i fill up 80GB??? 

happiness!

see? cheap and easy! 

ok so maybe not so cheap. 

but still easy. hahaha! 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

conversation i had in my head while staring off randomly: 

i miss him. 

good gad womyn! it hasn't been a week yet!  where the hell is your spine?!  curb the impulse!

i haven't heard peep.  

and what have you done exactly?

um... i sent this really stupid forwarded message... just for the heck of it.

and what was your point in that?

point? i need a point? uh... i remember you?  is that a point?

gad! you're pathetic!

but he's here.  and he hasn't been here for a loooong time.  and i want to be with him til i get sick of it.

*palmface* you do know how sick you are, right?

i hates you... 

theres too many voices in my head.

i need to get rid of these voices...

conversation in pre-school among my 5-year olds...

y: kassie, is xaf your boyfriend?

k: ndi pa.

xaf: teacher j. di ba friends lang kami ni kassie????

OMG! i know!  how the hell do they know about these things at that age?!  but its still hilarious, nonetheless.  i'm sure they did not get that from me. hahaha!  xaf's expression was super funny though.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 

i spent the whole afternoon (from 1-5) in marketmarket/serendra (again!) doing nothing.  how could we take so long to do nothing?! well, absolutely nothing except walk alot and eat and talk/rant/whine and sing sesame street (i get weird kicks remember?).  i was supposed to work but i wasn't feeling well.  seriously.  the walking and the eating did not help make me feel better.

so, i promise to work tom.  sam will kill me.  well, actually sam's mommy will kill me already... 

how sad...

things used to be so full of promise.

what happened? reality came barging in? 

It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it were just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away.

-love/addiction, grey's anatomy

and i wonder why i love that show? it's sooo pathetically me.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

my itunes won't update.

my ipod can't be used coz it needs updated itunes version.

waaaaaaaah! help! 

so this is strangely a happy monday...

 first good thing to happen: i finally was able to install the updated itunes and get stuff.

of course, i got super late to seminar... although it wasn't so bad coz they started late naman pala.

OMG! the seminar thingy was really good.  the jap intructor, Mr. Kii, is a PT, and he's like master yoda.  magic  hands!  and he's super strong.  although most times he doesn't need super strength coz the kid just follows.  i can't imagine being able to work with a kid with cerebral palsy so naturally.  usually at the end of the session, i'd be all back pains and sweaty.  he didn't seem like he exerts any effort!  amazing.

oh wow.  i'm gushing about work, how strange is that???

then he showed us this really nice video of a patient he had back at home.  the patient started therapy when he was really small... like 2 i think, and now he's 20 something.  the patient has cerebral palsy, athetoid.  basically it just means that unlike the usual CP who keeps his muscles in a constant state of contraction, if you're athetoid, the muscles are relaxed when the kid is resting, and super contracted when you're moving kaya it results in difficulty with coordination.  so anyway, this 2 year old kid grew up to 20.  he uses chopsticks (partida na yun.  even his hands have problem).  he uses wheelchair but he lived independently and is working in a government office. lived past tense, coz now he's married with a baby!  pakshet!buti pa sha may love life.  hahaha!

after the whole thing, we went to gerry's eat.  it was fun.  they were all great.  and kulet the stories to tell.  and they super loved beer. hahaha!  its soo cheap daw kasi here.

speaking of eating, i think the meds gave me an eating disorder. hahaha!  but seriously.  i couldn't eat for the past few days(weeks?).  i have no appetite.  i felt like puking all the time.  it was horrible.  i stopped yesterday, and now i'm feeling way better.  i don't feel nauseas anymore (slight na lang), and i can eat normal again.  i cannot afford to lose weight.  i have a line to reach.

i'm kinda tamad to write now.  so to be contiued...

...or not. hahaha! 

there are songs when you hear it played, you just know that you'll love it.  'us' is like that old nice song i know from the start i will love til it ends but can't somehow finish, cause it keeps breaking down in the middle... and no matter how much i play it over and over and over again, it still keeps on breaking down in the middle... and i need to change that song now cause effort is futile... and i know there are other songs i would soon hear, i would fall in love with from the start, yet this irrational need to know how our song ends still keeps me hanging. i need to stop hitting the play button.  i need to throw this song out.  i need to learn how to walk away.

time space warp.

i feel like i went back to college.  there's just so many things i don't know, still knowing, and prolly never gonna figure out with this seminar thing.  it's been amazing.  i feel stupid but happy at the same time.  i think i'm getting the techniques right... gets totally stuck with assessment though.  the synapses are firing pretty slow.  the whole working with a specific frame of reference in mind is totally making sense now.

well, at least i'm getting a direction.

of course, it's no fun feeling i don't know.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

watched spanish movie kanina, enlightened by fire (i'm sorry i forgot the real title).  basically, it just says why war is evil.

i don't get it either.  why do people go to war? i mean, yeah i know why, but... it's painful.  can you imagine being shot with a bullet or getting your legs/arms/face totally mashed up?  it's horribly painful!  why would anyone be stupid enough to go through with that?  why take over someone's space anyway?  nobody ever taught you to share?

buti pa kiddies ko in preschool... 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

 i was in the fx going home, where i sat in front of a girl who looks alot like my classmate in grade school.  i was trying to figure out her name when she said bb's name (or possibly with name same as bb), and she's an IT i think.

ok universe, it's bad enough that i'm missing him like crazy now, but do i really need anymore reminding of him? seriously!

so stopped with the eavesdropping and plugged my headphones in.

incidentally, i tried looking for her in friendster.  couldn't.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

so this link to the  ig noble awards is just crazy fun.  of course, nobody does it better than the peace award about research going on with turning enemy troops gay.

 I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

was with a friend kanina, and super busy ang cellphone activity ng bata.  napataas kilay ko (yeah, yeah... i'm just so pakialamera that way).  peak time daw ng messages.  peak time? there's actually one? hmm... i don't think that ever existed with me.  peak time for me would be when i feel the need to rant, whine and rave.  so, um... basically that would be like 24/7.  hahaha!  and i wonder why my bill is soo high?!  

finally done with the seminar thing! yey! no more early trips to makati!

it is far! i mean, not as far as uh... manila.  but further travel than my usual.  then again my usual would be staying in the neighborhood.  that does not really say much.

ooh! and i tried it to patient kanina (hah! finally did some work!), and it worked!  amazing talaga! i know pala what i'm doing??? and i make sense!  it always gives me a warm fuzzy feel knowing i'm doing something right.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

a long time ago bf of a friend read my palm.  according to him, i will be married by 26.... which will happen in about a week (dun dun dun dun).  scary shit.  i can't even handle boyfriend-girlfriend relationships.  what the hell do i know about marriage.

i'm turning 26 next week.  strange.  i only feel like 21.  seriously.  i'd prolly be 21 for the next 5 years or so.  i don't feel like a grown up.  there's something off with me.  my emotional maturity is averaging with my chronological age. wahahaha!

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

i have this thing about talking to the universe.  like the universe is a person who can actually talk back.  let's call him my imaginary friend.  only bigger than everything you can imagine who's pretty much like big brother.  i believe that the universe cares.  i have this irrational idea that the universe means well, regardless of how much suckiness i get in my life.  things happen for a reason.  i do figure out why eventually.  well, either that or my powers of rationalizing is waay better than i thought.  there are times when i think the universe is actually talking back.  telling me yes or no.  only i don't listen half the time... er... most of the time.  still... it talks.  of course dropping anvils on my head would prolly be a better hint.  let's not get into imaginary anvils of emotional stress and heartaches.

sometimes, when i'm alone... or alone in public, there would be times when i would talk to universe.  and in really embarrassing situations, out loud.  in public.  happily, hasn't happened recently. 

do other people do this? 

is it just me?

for a long while i've been against the whole idea of leaving the country and working in US.  lately, however, i'm starting to kinda accept it as something that i would be doing.  real soon.  the universe has been weaning me out of old habits for a while now.  it sucks, but it helped me alot.  for that i am grateful.  although there are still things that i'd rather not leave behind, people i would still rather spend alot of time with, i do need to leave.

i'm tired of my life.  i need to change.  i'm tired of being myself, with all my quirks and bad habits.  i need to grow up.  i'm just simply tired of my life.

i'm stuck.  i need to un-stick myself from whatever.  i wish i don't have to... but i need it.

my problem is i want things too fast.  i don't wait.  waiting is torture for me.   i suffocate and obsess on people.  i don't mean just with guys.  i mean with everyone in general.  i obsess and suffocate until i get sick of it.  then i get tired, and drop them.  that's how i get friends. this has actually happened ex before.  there was a time when i got sick of him.  we talked every-freaking-day.  i got bored.  but we managed to get past that.  mainly coz he never really lets me go even when he tells me he doesn't want to speak to me ever. with bb, he always drops me first.

since i so suck with keeping friends for the longest time, i'm trying to keep the ones i have left.  i haven't dropped anybody for a long while.  i wish bb would start talking to me again.  i don't have any intentions anymore... evil or otherwise. hehehe... i just really want us to be friends.  the kind that still talks and sees each other...

i know this may seem like a bad thing, but believe me when i tell you it's not.  i am seriously grateful.  things did not work out as i thought it would, but this is really much better.  no drama, no complications... there's just this.

i have this thing for boxes.  i like things organized and pretty.  i kinda' like living my life that way. boxed, color-coded and labeled (which is baaad i knooow! *bopping me on the head* but i need it to function so let me cope!).

my boxes of people

(some are actually overflowing, others are empty... each comes with their own sets of rules and stuff that only i know... which makes things complicated for people who don't get my system... cors' rarely do people get my system... *sigh*) 

which is why this is messing me up.  i can't deal with things i can't put inside a box.  confusing.  i like corners and rules... ok so maybe not rules.  still.

BUT

i have decided that there are some things that i will not, can not understand.  i have decided to stop thinking about those
things.  thinking would be waste of neurons which i could otherwise use to make more pretty color-coded boxes with labels.

PLUS 

he makes my hand go numb.

anyone who makes my hand go numb is a good thing to have.

p.s.

'people who make my hand go numb' is not a good box label.  hehe... 

i'm pain incarnate.

aching joints.

perpetually sleepy.

pain-relievers help me get through the day. thank gad til next week na lang work.

i need rest.

i want an alcoholic weekend! yey!

the enrollment sched for next sem is giving me a headache.

i think my neurons are dying.  i don't understand.  when am i supposed to enroll again??? 

here it is: 

November 5                                           Graduating Undergraduate Students
8:00 AM – 4:00 PM                               2001 and Older Graduating Students
                                                               2002 Graduating Students
                                                               2003 Graduating Students
                                                               2004 Graduating Students

November 6                                           Freshmen and Other Undergraduate Students
8:00 AM – 4:00 PM                               2007 Students
                                                               2001 and Older Non-Graduating Students
                                                               2002 Non-Graduating Students
                                                               2003 Non-Graduating Students
                                                               2004 Non-Graduating Students

November 7                                            2005 and Graduating Undergraduate Students
8:00 AM – 4:00 PM                                Graduate Students
                                                                2005 Undergraduate Students
                                                                All Graduating Undergraduate Students
                                                                All Graduate Students

November 8                                            2006 and Graduating Undergraduate Students
8:00 AM – 4:00 PM                                Graduate Students
                                                                2006 Undergraduate Students
                                                                All Graduating Undergraduate Students
                                                                All Graduate Students

November 9                                             All Students
8:00 AM – 4:00 PM                                 All Undergraduate Students
                                                                All Graduate Students

Note: Classes start today. All Non-Regular Students

it means that from nov. 7-9 i can enroll right? so the student number thingy only applies to undergrads? right? right? they were all just trying to mess me up.  para if i don't get it, i don't enroll na lang!

this is just a super short entry.

i'm netting in some net shop. killing time while waiting for kuting. we're going shopping. yey!

I CAN TYPE WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARDS!

I'm awesome!

hahaha!  i never knew i could do this.  but this net shop is really sucky i'm thinking coz the letters on the keyboards are almost all gone na.  

so we shopped.

and strangely i'm not broke yet.  how weird is that??? see! that's why i need many jobs! keeps me from getting broke! which sucks... so work work work.

it's an early christmas shopping actually. and i think my gifts has a theme na. hahaha!  i'm giving basically the same stuff to people.

i hate boy-gift shopping.  i don't know what to give my boys in pre school and patients.

i would prolly suck in gift-giving with anniversaries and stuff.  i don't know yet coz i've never actually lasted one year with anybody.  not in a relationship anyway.  just in some pseudo-undefined-thing-of-sorts with some object of my hormonal affections. hahaha!

but seriously.  suggestions.  what do you give to boys?  i don't like toys much...  something cheap and nice.  coz i'm really cheap. i make up for it with effort. hahaha! ang panget.

i need to do more shopping.  sembreak siguro...

p.s.

i'm turning 26 soon.  i still don't feel it...

when do you start feeling older? 

because i can't really stay sad long... and there are other things going on in my life... such as work (shet. ang pathetic! hahaha!). i have stuff to post!

amazing! t. jam pala likes bringing cam! the camwhore in me giddy-ness with future photo-ops. hahaha! aliw lang talaga when people bring camera all the time.  so since i can't write properly, pics na lang!

we had pizza time in school kanina.  yummy brooklyn pizza.

with the new teachers in playschool.  yung isa ata malaki lang na pang-toddler's class. forever stick out your ba? hahaha!

parang ang landi ng pose ko. napansin ko lang. hahaha! 

 super formal t. julie! amazing! i'm still mega project.  and yung bata with glasses is still sticking out her tongue. tsk, tsk... hahaha!

this is super amazing. galing the powers of t. jam. kinaya to take all our pictures! medyo putol nga lang si ate indz.

at ito ang purpose ko in life according to t. grace: taga-dikit ng letters in high places, which i can't do well pa kasi i'm naturally tabingi.  my head can't stay in the middle! hahaha! so ayun may taga sigaw pa from afar if it's right.  

so i heard the blasting thing in glorieta around 3 i think.  i had no idea it was so major. plus the fact that i wasn't really paying much attention coz i was really sleepy.

scary!

there's the report here. 

the whole thing just seems surreal.

last night was fun. less pics though (which i won't be posting) coz i was really tamad to take pics and nobody was into it. hehehe... i got slightly drunk as always but keber.  and i have gifts! yey! gifts always makes me happy.

lesson learned: alcohol does not make painful throat go away.

funny thing yesterday.  anne had bf sent me a something coz she couldn't make it

i had cake. yey! 

so bf came over to deliver cake, and i was in my room. mom went in and super smiling.

"janine, may bista ka may dalang food."

shempre, i was like, yey food!  then i went out made slight chika and brought cake in.  mom went into major interrogation mode. 

"that was anne's bf."

what???

hahaha! mom thought i have someone new... someone else.  sorry.  nope.  still don't know any single guys.   

on second thought, i do know pala!  only she wasn't really into ex.  hahaha! not that i am... still not talking.  issues nya kakaiba.  hopefully he'll get over it. 

funny, funny note from kuting's gift. 

i wish i saw bb yesterday though... but i'm thinking he doesn't want any sort of attachment being there anymore.  except for the uh... you know.  makes sense actually.  one less string to cut. 

i've been having killer headaches (the kind that makes you hit your head on the wall or rip your hair out... and i was actually doing the second for a while... trying to anyway) and painful, had-to-swallow throat the whole day yesterday.  beats having the joint pains i've been having during the weekday though.  i am sooo gonna be really sick one of these days.  hmm... i think i'm blaming someone for this. hehehe... kidding! plus i have this strange pasa i noticed last monday or tueday i think... so kinda healed na sha.  it used to alot darker.

i have no idea where ad how i got it. pahaba talaga eh. such a weird shape. nahampas kaya ako ng small pipe while i wasn't paying attention?

p.s.

read this:  J.K. Rowling outs Hogwarts character

i can't believe dumbledore's gay! 

some of the kids in our school has difficulty processing their emotions.  they're very reactive and emotional.  no impulse-control, very little frustration tolerance.  this usually result in them lashing out to whoever is nearby, inflicting pain on themselves, or basically just throwing a tantrum.  whenever this happens, we usually put the kids on time-out.  they sit down on one corner, calm themselves (with the help of teacher of course... sometimes for restrain), and talk through on what they are feeling and how they are supposed to handle it.

i think most adults need a time-out time too.  and by most adults i mean ME.  i'm one of those people who react instantly... and that's not a good thing.  i tell people how i feel then and there.  most times, i realize that i reacted to quickly, jumped to the wrong conclusion too soon (wrong nga eh, is there too soon for that?), and basically made an ass of myself and has to be apologetic. and apologizing is such a hassle.

one of these days i will get to that...

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

strange.  two sundays ago everything was great, a couple of days later he's back to being cold and ignoring.  was it that bad???  *sigh* i really have to stop trying to figure things out..  especially since there's just so many other things i can think about.  like how to finish solving that expert sudoku thing!  it's hard!  i'm irritated.  it took me so long to finish one game.  i need to buy me one of those things.  i just grabbed penny's copy eh. ehehe...

things to do, things to do... 

it has been a very exhausting day.  practice for program and lunch in playschool til about 12.  went to practicum place in lopez to pick up eval  i have to submit to dili for YESTERDAY.  went back to house at around 2 to get stuff manila is asking for. went to manila to submit the requirements at around 4:30.  flew on the bus to diliman to submit project and eval at past 5.  then to katips starbucks for coffee and dinner with jama.  the last part i like though.  of course, by the time my butt hit the couch i couldn't move anymore.  from diliman, the short-term and only goal was to get to katips.  add pa the horrible horrible weather we have today, i had no idea how i'll go home.

that's why i love my friends! thank gad ria's in the area and picked me up (for a mocha frap!).  still.  happiness coz i got home.

i like having airhead conversations with my friends.  it's just fun. 

so while in office in manila i was waiting for the secretary to check my stuff, when one of the profs there spoke out of nowhere:

"janine, ka-team teach kita next sem sa thera ex (therapeutic exercises)."

of course, me being me, do not know how to react to people i don't know who would suddenly call me by my name.  i must've looked stunned.  i should really be more sociable. 

actually, good thing jama bought lots of food.  i doubt i'd eat if she didn't.  i'm super tamad to eat lately.  the sausage that tasted like hotdog was actually pretty good.  sana lang hindi sha sausage.  sana hotdog na lang sha.

if green has a taste it would definitely taste like the hot green tea they have in starbucks.  parang plant na hindi.

if yellow has a taste it would prolly taste a bit sweet and tangy.

if red has a taste it would prolly taste sweet and juicy.

if purple has a taste it would prolly taste pakla.  how would you describe that anyway? 

if orange has a taste it would definitely taste like orange. 

if blue has a taste... umm... i can't really associate blue with any sort of food.  all i could come up with is the smirnof na blue which tastes like 7-up.

play time with my favorite midgets in preschool:

i gave them a prize for dancing and singing during practice.  i'm such a briber!  it's just gel pens of colors that they like. my kids are super babaw that way. hehe...

last day for the sem this morning in preschool. yey!  our kids were gorgeous!

got a little pissed with one of the teachers though. tama ba namang mag power play with me with the kids (ok there is something wrong with the sentence construction... but i can't think anymore)?!

i was getting my pic taken kasi with robyn.  i super love this girl.  she's adorable and sweet and big.  when she suddenly called her.  eh we weren't done with the pic yet!  so i said not yet.  don't call her yet.  then i said robyn look at t. jam first.  tama ba namang she made hirit, "no robyn come here. sige tingnan natin kung kanino makikinig yan."  tama ba naman yun?!  number 1, the kid is scared of her.  number 2, robyn is her kid.  given na yun!  my kids always listen to me first too.  so medyo maiyak iyak na si robyn when i didn't let go of her right away.  i was like "tinatakot mo yung bata. ano ba?!"  dedma. azar!

hmm... or maybe she was kinda azar din with me coz some of her kids like me more... the ones with topak anyway... meaning the clingy cry-baby types.  she hates those.  i don't like kids who are like that either but, they get over it eventually, so it takes time.  kasi naman she doesn't try to get sweet with the kids...  i think i do that too much though.  so i really really need to learn to detach.

so i got into talking with the parents of my kiddies for the first time since after i resigned.  apparently my kids love me.  they were super happy daw when they found out i'm coming back.  one of the parents told me her kiddie told her: good news mommy! teacher janine's coming back! and that i'm still her favorite teacher.  i'm super babaw.  things like that really makes my day.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

i don't know why, but i really miss you lots.  in spite of all my rants about how we don't connect anymore, and how much you've changed... i do still like you (and more than the making my hand numb thing), and i most likely am still emotionally attached.  how do i stop now that you're obviously not into me?

help.

(actually i don't think i look like that at all, but the pic came out that way.  weird.) 

i'm starting to have a new routine.

at least this one's not bound for self-destruction.

safe habits aren't a bad thing right?

key word: safe.  so i'm thinking good.

of course kuting has this thing where she thinks i play too safe.  what with the non-commitment and the addiction for guys who can't/won't commit either?

i say it's trapeze work without the safety net.

a year ago i wouldn't be expecting things like this to be happening now. 

who knew so much could change within a year?

who knew you could change so much within a year?

yesterday, we learned of the new concepts on pain.  studies were done, and it was found that emotional pain is as real as physical pain.  both affects management.

this must be what an amputation feels like. 

common negative effects after an amputation are phantom pain (pain on the missing body part) and phantom limb sensation (feeling that the missing body part is still there).  management  involves desensitization techniques.

i need to get desensitized. 

is it just me or do the two songs sound alike?

this is rattlesnake by live:

this is ballad of serenity from the tv show firefly:

it does right??? 

change is always hard.  coping with change is one of those things that i really have a hard time dealing with.  i like my security.  security blankets don't make sense, but i need them just the same.  you know how sometimes, you know in your head that something is totally bad for you, but no matter how much the rational part of your brain is shouting for you to quit it, you just can't.  yes, you're being treated like crap.  yes, you deserve more.  yes, you're better off without him.  but the power of the power of the familiar can not be displaced.  there's security in knowing, in expecting a reaction... because that's how he is.  if you do x, you get a y.  if you do y, you get a z.  and in your head, it's always better to get a y from an x; than an i... because i does not exist in your world.  and the bad is always welcome because it it the bad that you were expecting anyway.

sometimes i wish i make sense.

just came home from a talk with a friend.  we're kinda alike, we both have people issues. so it's always fun knowing she understands completely what i try to say.

i know there are times when i come off as a sociable person.  usually i am.  only in real life, i don't have much friends.  not that i'm complaining though.  i'm really happy with it.  i love my friends.  i don't need a lot of people who would just  disappoint me... and that's the thing with people, they disappoint. the ones i keep... i think they're different.

i know i've been told that i expect too much.  but really, i don't expect anything more than i'm willing to give.  the thing is though, you can't make people make you as important as you make them.  i give so much to people coz that's how important they are to me; but it would be wrong to expect as much in return, coz i am not as important to them. 

i think i get that now. 

slowly anyway... it's really sinking in.

i think that's how i learned to cut off people.  not cut them off completely, but at least maintain a distance.  you can't be hurt by people you don't care about.  the less i give out, the less i expect back. 

i know i have a bad habit of expecting life and people to be fair. 

it's not. 

so i cope. 

defense mechanisms are not bad if it helps you to deal.