back from galera with la familia. yey, beach! so there was drinking but there were no boys to be had (then again, there never are whenever i beach.  aside from being with la familia this time, i have always been anti-social.)

this would be me on the beach, being very approachable. ears plugged while working on sudoku. hahaha! i was actually waiting for the massage girl.

meet ate lorena, my official massaeu in galera.  i had massage twice!!! i was thinking of posting the second pix but it's kinda halay, so let's not make you're eyes bleed. hahaha! 

basically that's how i spend my days on the beach.  ang boring ko kasama noh?

 and of course i also need my henna.  sister took my cat, so i had butterfly instead. cutie naman sha di ba? ako, not the henna. hahaha!

 see my pretty, pretty cocktails! they were both yummy, but i still love the mindoro sling more.

this would be me trying to wink, and i think failing. weird shot though right? have no idea how it happened!

thoughts after drinking: next time i go to the beach, i should bring a guy with me (and by a guy i mean someone specific).  there's just too much fun to be had after the drinking to just be wasted on sleeping.

so here is when the thing endeth. 

i'm not ready to let go of him completely though.  right now, i'm good with just friends. 

i couldn't talk much last night... apparently tear duct activation delays neural transmission...

i like him too much, he does not like me at all (not a fun thing to hear, but i'd always rather he be honest than kind).

thank you for ending things that we both know is wrong when i couldn't.

thank you for not letting me go through that hell again.

thank you for having a better moral compass than i do.

dammit. i think i'm liking him more. 

i'm not supposed to be doing this emo-thing now. 

there was a plan. 

on how i was supposed to be cool will all these shit. 

flushing down the plan. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

you said i shouldn't get stressed out. 

that it's no big deal. 

you're right.

it's not.

but its the only thing we have now.

maybe you didn't know, but  i was very much emotionally involved.  i wish i wasn't.  but i wouldn't be there if i wasn't.

this is just me being sad and pathetic.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

talked with friend.

now i'm hearing voices in my head again.

one kept inisiting about another girl.  it's always about some girl.

another voice whispers he's really just a guy with a decent guilty conscience.

yet another tells me it doesn't really matter whether he was honest about it or not, the end point is still the same. 

i think some voice there is ex' ghost come back to haunt me...

how do you make the voices stop? 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

the thing with ex, he was always honest. 

at least when confronted. 

he never plays the nice guy, which sucks.   

being with him was very painful.

but i find comfort in the pain coz he was honest. 

he was never guilty.

and there was always some girl involved.

i should stop thinking everyone is just like him, only pretending not to be...

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

it is supposed be exactly one year by now.  november 4.

the irony. 

only in my universe.

it's not one year though.  i say, 4 months max.

we don't count the months when you're not physically here.

we don't count the months where you don't talk to me.

this is a physical thing.  you said there were no feelings involved.

there can't be a physical thing if you're not physically present. 

yeah, yeah. could be better. but i kinda like it. just not sure if i'm supposed to write "stranded" or "waiting" on the dirt.

drama's over. it's sooo over.

i'm fine now.

seriously.

text conversation with friend this morning:

"i think i'm ok na talaga. done with the drama." 

"you think lang yan..."

yes. SUPPORTIVE!

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

my kids make my day fun.

i love my kids.

angry little people

petty. petty. petty.

hmp... get over it. 

i saw the book. so yeah, i'm making my list. things i picked from my kiddies:

the best way to greet someone good morning is with a hello and a hug.

everyone needs help every once in a while. don't be afraid to ask for it. 

we have good days, we have bad days.  most bad days, all you need is someone who listens and gives you a hug. 

you make me cry one moment, and laugh the next. it's not personal. 

give me time.  hold me safe.  pretty soon i'll be able to tell you how i feel.

we don't know enough.  everything's a learning experience.

there's a time for everything: a time to play, a time to work, a time to sleep, a time to eat... set routines are not as bad as we think if it helps us do better.

a kiss usually takes the pain away.

everyone needs a timeout every once in a while.

some things are more fun when you get your hands dirty.
 
there are some things that you just have to deal with alone.

always apologize when you hurt.

trust the one you're with.  stick to the ones you know.

dance when there's music, sing when you hear a song.

just coz it's work doesn't mean it can't also be fun.

if you want something, speak up.   

the best way to end a day is with a kiss. 

more when i feel like it...

so apparently i use my right brain more.

uses feeling --> yes.. i know... i'm too emotional
"big picture" oriented --> really? hm... i actually think i'm OC with details... well on some specific details anyway...
imagination rules --> i live in my alternate universe. coping remember???
symbols and images --> picture me pretty. always nice. hahaha!
present and future --> opposite of present and past daw. but i think i dwell...
philosophy & religion --> i like science! it's what i do! i like math! well, guys into math math anyway... it's a really weird coincidence lang talaga...
can "get it" (i.e. meaning) --> as opposed to can comprehand daw.  this one i don't get much. shet. wala ngang comprehension. hahaha!
believes
appreciates
spatial perception --> hmm... not really..
knows object function --> of course! i'm trained to be functional. hahaha!
fantasy based --> goes with the alternate universe theory
presents possibilities
impetuous --> i know! impulse control where art thou???
risk taking --> who has a lot of self preservation issues. yes, why not!

friend said i'm not yet on acceptance.  this is denial going on anger (i.e. sarcasm).  whatever. i care not. i'm good.  i'm happy. i'm fine. 

so yesterday was enrollment.  and true to form, UP was up to it's usual standards with enrollment --magulo, matagal at mahabang pila.  thank gad i missed the suckiness coz i enrolled the next day, afternoon.  good timing always helps... i rarely get that right though (but those stories would be for another entry.)

this used to decorate the lobby during enrollments:

they have the steps listed in the lobby.  easy to follow 8 steps to enroll!

before ganito ang enrollment namin:

STEP 1: get CRS (online registration) form in 3rd floor (na sana you could've just printed on your own!). this will be your form 5A. (pila ito.)

STEP 2: line up for pre-advising on the same floor (mas mahabang pila ito.)

STEP 3: go to the departments of your subjects, sign up on their enlistment form, and have your CRS form signed. (so kung 6 subjects mo at different departments, and possibly different colleges... good luck sa yo!)

STEP 4: go to lobby again, pay student council fee.

STEP 5: go inside benitez theater get form 5A assessed to get form 5.

STEP 6: fill up the form 5, then go up to 3rd flr for post-advising from adviser

STEP 7: back to benitez theater and sumit form 5 for library clearance (which the librarian do manually! as in! may big book sha with list of students at dapat andun ang name mo!) and form 5 assessment (para malaman mo how much you'll pay.)  mas matagal tagal na antayan pa ito...

STEP 8: wait for your name to be called, then go to palma hall to pay for your tuition fee.

YOU ARE NOW ENROLLED.

of course hindi pa included there if you need to prerog on a subject or cancel a subject or dahil late enrollee ka wala ng cashier sa palma... 

 ang proseso ngayon:

STEP 1: get pre-advising in spetember.

STEP 2: enlist your subjects online. (btw, students who may enroll in subjects,are not enlisted in a first come, first serve basis. slot selection is done randomly by our mahiwagang tambyolo)

STEP 3: on the day of your enrollment (done depending on class number/status), get form 5A from room 108.  (unfortunately, we only printed up to surname ending in letter F, for the rest of you, back to the lobby, sign up on this piece of paper, go to waiting room (room 106),  pagumabot ng 10 ang people listed, we will print your form 5A... kasi sayang ang papel.)

STEP 4: go inside benitez to get form 5A assessed and get copy of form 5

STEP 5: fill up the form 5, then go up 3rd floor for post advising

STEP 6: go to room 109 (amazing the room arrangement! all even numbers on the right of the lobby, all odd numbered rooms on the left of the lobby. winner!) for online verification, and manual checking of some oldies.

STEP 7: theater again for library clearance (na manual pa rin!) then assessment of form 5.

wait for 10 years...

STEP 8: go to palma to pay your tuition fee.

YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY A STUDENT.

again, this is not considering pa adding/cancelling subjects where you need to get it done in computer room lang of your college. 

so technically nabawasan talaga sha ng 2 steps from previous. kasi theydid the first two 2 months before.

why???? 

i'm going for some random-ness.  my mind can't get around the whole concept of random.

i am bothered. 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

so i started with college, and it wasn't as awful as i imagined it to be.  i was believable. and i kicked ass! yey me!

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

yesterday i was uh... orally-fixated.  i wasn't hungry, so not really into eating much, but i need something in my mouth.  let's think GP people!  so we had a few beers in makati (fine. so PG-13).  then friend invited friend, and so there were three.  now smokes and alcohol are baaad combos with me.  thank gad i was of mindset not to get drunk.  tamang tama lang ba.  plus there were no cutie guys a-lurking, so no point a-flirting.  not to mention i look like basura.

while texting kuting:

"so baket ka umearea dyan?"

"trips lang, ba't ka ba?"

"walang cute?"

"none, and not in the mood. i came from patient. sablay ang dating."

"so mukha kang yayang nag-day off?"

"slight.  only prettier."

it was fun though.  we should do this again.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

so ex is right.

dammit.

thank gad we're still not talking... otherwise this would be another excuse in giving me a lecture on how he's always right, and why i should pay attention when he's talking. hmp. hmp.

disclaimer: yada-yada you know the drill 

there are three little words that you have to remember with break-up sex: no. no! NO!  once you get stuck with that fun thing that you do, you'd suddenly realize it's been a year since you've broken-up, and you're still at it.  there's still the phone calls, the text messages, and (eek!) the dating.  that ain't break-up sex anymore, honey.  that is another problem with semantics.

seriously, if you're really just into it for the sex, wouldn't it be much better with some stranger you-loved-not, than getting into this emotional mess of ex and affections? 

 I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

on another note, i am just happy for the uh... thing that's making me a little paranoid... so whew! 

so i think i'm wrong...

i may be over but this is not a good time to tempt me.

had lunch with ex.

thank gad i had to meet a friend right after!

saying no had never been soo difficult. 

too soon... 

bought speakers for ipod last week.  it's sooo cute! looks like lego.

the sound's ok as speakers go, not wow! sounds. but good enough. plus it's so conveniently small and has no plugs of sorts nor batteries, so i'm good with it.

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

 i'm super tripping on the being college instructor thingy.  it has perks i had no idea exists.  how fun!  of course, hard work starts next week.  have to prepare for my lecture and lab sessions, and there are papers to check.  hayay....

there are things i shouldn't be doing right now.

i shouldn't be looking through old picture files.  it makes me go through this whole crap of i-miss-you-i-want-it-back.

and those things are never, ever good.  ever.

see how many times i'm repeating the ever to emphasize my point? 

i need to stop with wanting to hit rewind.

i'm all good now.  i'm freaking fine. 

how come i never have the good things...

i'm all pretty and smart and nice and all those other shits. 

i'm also all screwy in the head and demented and dysfunctional.

i want normal.

i need normal.

i don't want this messy relationship issues that keep coming and the equally fucked-up men i keep getting myself involved with.

i'm drowning in work now.

see how much free time i don't have?

yet still... i still have issues.

i have no idea if the current sitch is making things better or worse...

I thought that if I didn’t go and play
The sadness would get bored and go away
I thought that if I didn’t go astray
That all my pain would be in yesterday

-coffee and cigarettes, michelle featherstone 

things are definitely alot better now.

gad! i'm such a schiz!

but once again, things make sense again.

things to look forward to... 

for some reason, a certain incident with ex keeps popping up in my head the whole time today.

he was going to pick me up in dili, and he was super late.  and for reasons i can't explain either, i didn't leave (something about schedules and how i'm fixed with the thought that he'll be driving me home and all those shits like that).  i waited for him in benitez lobby, all pissed and fuming.

when we were in the car, i wouldn't talk to him.  i'm almost always quiet in person when i'm mad.  he kept rambling on about some stuff i had no idea about.  then he finally noticed the "small talk" wasn't gonna' break the ice, so he placed his hand behind my head/nape and sortof scratched it in a ticklish kind of way.  mukha ba kong pusa? was all i could think of at that moment.  i must've looked at him funny coz he suddenly withdrew his hand.

strange really.  there are loads of fun things to remember (with him... with someone else... anything), i have no idea why that kept popping. 

so there are ways for you to say no without getting me offend-y.

strange... and slightly funny.

what's up with that?

i was prepared to get offended.  seriously.  but i guess i can't now.

for some strange reason i find dating single guys more complicated than dating those with gf.  see why the leaning. 

when you're with someone with a gf, there's really not a lot you can expect.  and if you fall for him, tough.  but it's a the kind of pain that you really expect to be coming.  you expect to not get the guy. 

when you're with someone single, there's too much expectations and things that you don't understand, that makes it kind of hard to predict what will happen next.  i hate not knowing what to expect. 

and it's just complicated and confusing...

but hey. i'm done with this now.  i will have a normal relationship. 

balang araw... 

so last night was drunken nights of fun without the hot hot men. (hahaha! as in there were ever any).  there must be really something wrong with me coz i can never find an eye candy in the streams of men i see, but i have no problem zeroing in on a pretty pretty girl (girl in front of us. totally gorgeous! talk about staring much???). 

last night went on an alcoholic night with june and rex at warehouse. 

some of their tander bros/sis (parang Christian renewal group noh? um... no offense to the Christian renewal groups).  one of the oldies got them free passes.

yey us! plus there was open bar (offer good while supplies last).  the vodka stuff were the first things gone, so it was just lights ever after.

 this would be some of the freebies we got.

who needs a hepa shot? huh?? huh??

the crowd was kinda' boring though.  there was no dancing!  just alot of chitchats.  urgh!  went home early. 

then of course there was coffee.  coffee is important after alcoholic nights... unless you have other stuff to burn off those highs which would be sweaty fun.  which used to be the case, but not anymore. how suckiness. hahaha! 

more pics when i get them... coz i remember posing for lots of huge cameras of guys i know not.  hahaha! cam whore!

i need to start the hitting-my-head-on-the-wall thing with an ego-boost. 

was in preschool this morning.  we saw a grasshopper on the wall.  same bug we saw last week i think. julie said she thinks the hopper likes me coz it's only in school when i'm there. my 4-year old overheard the conversation:

k: teacher, why the grasshopper like you?

moi: i don't know.

k: because you're pretty kasi eh.

wahahaha! panalo!

see? kiddies are great ego-boosters! 

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

now we do drama...

got me thinking after the conversation with bb (yes of course we're still talking.  just not doing the other thing we used to do when we weren't also together).

i have flawed self-preservation instincts... with the serial monogamy, the pseudo-relationships, the endless attraction to guys not cut-out to commit, and the flight response to guys who are.

i hate gettng emotionally-involved, but is exactly what happens ALL THE TIME.  how sucky is that?

bb said, i shouldn't let people like him treat me like shit.  normally what follows would be coz i'm better than that.  he said something else.  he said something like it's coz if i let the likes of him walk all over me, it will be assumed that i'm fine with it, therefore it will never stop.  true, true. i knew this na (i think... lurking somewhere at the back of my head where i look not)... only i've never thought of it that way really.  i've always assumed that people will realize the evilness of their ways and go back to the path of straight and narrow. hah!

so the thing with ex?  definitely has to stop.

only problem is, where do i start? 

"You know, being aware of your crap and actually overcoming you crap are to very different things."

p.s. i was sooo *heart*ing bb after that conversation. not in a gad-i-miss-the-thing-we-do-horribly (which i still kinda do, but kinda getting over it), but more of the  aww-tugging-my-heart-strings-with-half-attempts-of-an-apology-of-sorts.

p.p.s. ok so realizing it just now but i think that wasn't even an apology of any sorts. it was throwing back the blame at me. hmm... i'm getting slightly pissed...

whatever it is that comes after p.p.s. i think i'm more forgiving with people who makes my hand go numb... but still... tsk, tsk... that wasn't nice pala... 

so i'm into giving ultimatums now...

hopefully i manage to stick with it for real.

i do have this bad habit of taking back what i say... excessively short-term memory.

but the ultimatum's been dropped.  let's see what happens next...

ok so maybe a little threat can also do wonders...

i'm finding out how good it can be...

p.s.

my tewo-cents in yesterday's happenings: people's stupidity borders on the amazing.  really. 

ex's take on the sitch:

Trillanes and Lim eating lunch at manila Penn

Trillanes: tara na. kunin na natin yung chit.  Shit di ko dala wallet ko

Lim: putcha ako rin. ano gagawin natin?

Trillianes: Mag coup tayo

Lim: sige sige tapos pag dating ng pulis suko tayo agad

Trillanes: kailangan natin ng issue

Lim: GMA resign

Trillanes: Gasgas na yun eh

Lim: Eh ano gusto mo, Erap pa rin?

Trillanes: sige na nga. sige tawag na ko ng ka kosa ko