been getting those invites from people of SFC (singles for Christ) inviting people to join.  while i have nothing against religion per se, i find most of organized religion  fake.  which is funny considering i go to church, do the confession, and receive communion.  i'm not saying i don't believe the sacraments i do, coz i honestly do.  but i like to think of myself as more of spiritual than religious.  i have a belief system up in place, but i don't accept the whole shebang organized religion gets into.

but i'm straying from my point.

back to SFC: i will never, ever consider getting involved with it ever.  especially the one set-up in our village.  it stinks of burning plastic.  i love the concept, and i'm sure somewhere out there they actually get it right so maybe when i go to that alternate universe i might actually get involved, but never here.  it has become a venue where people shop for their significant others, figure ways on how to lessen their spending for trips to bora, and generally to broaden their social life.  they have time to go out of town and do the parties for their so-called organization, but have no time to spend helping out in the outreach for the indigent kiddies living outside the subdivision.  and i hate how they act so righteous and all that crap saying they're involved.

seriously people.  what's up with that? 

if you get into something, better shape up and actually deliver what you got in there for; otherwise, quit.  what would be the point?

p.s.

i have too much rage.  i'm getting all transfer-ry, but real.

i so need to get out of this funk.

I miss ex.

          Do you really want to go there again?

No...

          ...

You know what i need?

          What?

I need some hot, mind-numbing sex to help me forget.

          That's your solution?

Yes to fun. Yey?

          So you're just going to run away as always.

That's how i deal.  To each her own right?

          So what happens when you ran out of things to run to?

I build more roads.

          Eventually you'll be back on the road you left.

It's a big, big world, what are the chances of that happening?

          With your lousy sense of direction, ALOT.

What do you want me to do?

          Learn how to deal.

How do you deal?

          ... I don't know.  but i think it goes something like fear leads to hate, hate leads to hunger.  then there's    something about a suffering.  then you die.  and, baby, then you have dealt.

somebody take this crazy little voice inside my head. 

due to the boredom of having much too much to do, i have been doing the rounds in teh net and looking for things to do to this blog.

segue: i am no longer considering moving.  previous problems with tabulas has now been resolved.  my boxing thing issues are now good.  so YEY!

eniweiz, back to topic: as noted in side bar, i have gotten into adsense.  some person in PBS, suggested MySearchFunds, so i'm trying it out.  if it does generate income, yeyness for the destitute me.

here's how it works (i think): basically, you use MySearch to to uh... search for stuff.  so it pretty much replaces your current search engine with ask.com.  for every search you perform, you generate something like 6c.  ok so i am hazy with the details of how much exactly you earn.  but payment options are either through paypal or a cheque.

tried it out with a few searches that i usually do, and i think google still does the searching better.  but it doesn't hurt to try new things out.  and hey, maybe the revenue thing's real.

too many trips, too few monies, and lots and lots of bills in between. what's a girl to do?

i'm halfway done packing. 

hah! who am i kidding?  what half-way?!  packed stuff are subject for revisions until the day i leave.

my problem with leaving, may it be for a 3-day trip or for a 3-week vacation, is that i never never knew how much to pack.  i either pack to little, which leads to shopping for clothes i don't really need beyond that time, or i pack too much, which just irritates me for taking up baggage space.

just how much clothes are enough anyway? how many of each should you have with you?  just how often do you plan on doing the laundry?

i'm excited about the trip.  it pretty much involves some work shit but mostly vacation.  and i will be staying in a friend's house, so yey!  i haven't seen her for a year now, and tons have happened.  it's just about time.

what scares me a little is what happens after.  i need some serious growing up to do.  how do you grow up anyway?  i think maturity skipped me.  either that or like my social skills, it has gotten majorly delayed in coming.

2008 has definitely been life-altering.

...pray i don't end up cremated by december. 

i am not as annoying as ex seems to think so.  ok, i admit, sometimes i do things on purpose to annoy him (tee-hee).  thing is, i can easily be persuaded to change my ways.  i just need a reason.  problem is, he asks for blind faith.

don't do this.

why?

coz i don't want you to. 

end of conversation.

i always need to know the why before jumping ship, or getting in the transmogrifier (think calvin).  this whole need for justification works well for me at work.  i need to justify all activities i give to my kiddies.  as long as i can rationalize and defend them, i am technically doing the right thing.

unfortunately, aside from ex, this does not seem to work with most adults too.  take for example college, and their need to give everyone a medical exam twice.  they do it not because they found something wrong with the first one.  it's just protocol.  first one of their doctors (a licensed one at that) checks you and your lab works.  then, the chief MD re-checks you. 

why? 

it's the protocol. 

fuck.

don't mind me.  i'm in a weird mood. 

I've been poking around this thing called the internet for some time now and have come across some random blogs.  Then i got into PBS, and lately they've been yakking about the perfect web hosting place.  Something i had no idea about.  Forgive me, I'm the little girl kicked out of stone age to this century.

So for people as lost as i am with what web hosting is about, from what i understand, it generally is the thing that makes your website run.  Using a friend's analogy, it's like you have a game of Resident Evil for Playstation.  Resident Evil is the website, and Playstation is the webhost.  Check it out, i'm done with the book learning!

So poked around some more and ended up in Sheth's place, where he featured some web hosting companies.  This would be a good thing to know if you want to set-up your own domain.  He actually gave his top three, which seemed to target people who can afford to pay around $5 or so monthly.  There are actually those who offer this for free, but of course, I don't think you can expect freebies to be 100% good all the time.

I, personally, wouldn't be getting into any of that for a long time.  I love my blog and all, but I still have a lot of things to know about the workings of the net to get into anything major.

By the way, another thing i like much about the site, it has interesting themes which are actually worth looking into.  I'm thinking of changing layout to three columns.  what do you think?

there are days when i think i'm in the wrong profession.  days when i totally lose my cool, and get stuck, and get frustrated as hell with my kiddies. 

but there would also be days when i completely love my job, regardless of the low pay, the back aches, and the whole mind-numbing information i have to process and write about a.k.a. evaluation.

i am quitting clinic work soon for better work offer, which is good money-wise; but i will be so missing my kids much.

one of the kids there started his therapy with me.  when he came in the clinic at the age of three, he could hardly walk at all.  he takes two steps then falls down.  it's not just coz he's physically weak and does not really know how to do the walking (he scoots on the floor to move around),  it's also partly coz he likes falling.  the whole thought that somebody could crave for the sensation of falling just strikes me in so many levels i would not care explain right now.  and to put the icing on the cake, he does not feel physical pain.  at all.  (can i get emotionally numb?)  he got hit once by a ball, fell face flat on the floor, got a major black eye from his eyeglasses hitting his eye-area when he hit the floor; and he just rolled over and laughed.  ok, actually did his monster grin coz he doesn't really make much sounds 'cept for "mamamama".  so put all of this together, and  it just spells disaster waiting to happen.  but for some amazing reason i don't understand either, after two years of working with him, we are going up and down two flights of stairs! (for the uninitiated, that's 14 steps, two levels).

ok, so that does not sound much, but seriously, it does.  quite fast too.  the problem when dealing with special kids, it usually takes years for major changes to happen.  little bits of happiness.  that's what makes it so frustrating working with them.

when you're dealing with a stroke patient, give yourself a week, and usually they'll be somewhat walking by then.  with kids, you count by the years.  it usually takes its toll after a while.  like you've been trying to teach the walk for months on end, you still can't see it happening, and you somehow feel that you're quite possibly missing something out, doing something wrong, or is just not cut out for the job.  then there's the having to put up with tantrums, making them follow you even though they're really cognitively low and do not talk, and when you're really unlucky, being puked on and drooled (literally).   no fun at all.

the thing is though, when you finally get that very elusive long-term goal you've set for these kiddies, it feels overwhelmingly good.

just about makes everything worth it. 

my fingers' a little twitchy.  need to do some cam-whoring to calm it down.

by the way, shirt i'm wearing?  P.E. shirt from way back in high school.  meaning it's a decade old.  seriously.  either i have really humongous shirts back then, or i have never gained weight since... uh... ever.

then again, everything since high school seems to fit me still so... sheesh.

so here is a peek on the renovations/construction that went on the second floor (still not done, carpenters on a break):

yes i know, i should've came up with a better title, but i can't. see? my brain can't function when it's working on ignoring. too taxing for the neurons.

don't mind the lines, it just seems appropriate for the pic, but i guarantee that there is no waiting being done here. no siree! none whatsoever!

and no, i am not being defensive. boo you!

 

this is for frog prince. whoever prog frince may be.

so, yeah, i was senti.  pffbt.

p.s.  ex is sortof back.  he did make first contact.  i'm happy that i am actually better now with the ignoring.  unfortunately, i am not so good with the ignoring after he makes first contact.

baby steps.  baby steps.  i will soon get the hang of this impulse-control thing which i seem to have been lacking since forever.

Any of you do online shopping?

A few years ago, when someone says "let's buy something in the internet", I automatically think ebay.  Now, I notice tons of things to buy over at multiply.  They even have this "fill up the form" thing which you sign with your contact details, and means to know how the items will be picked or delivered.

I sort of bought one from there last year: my planner.  Technically, someone else bought it, it was just delivered to my house.  I thought it would be sent via courier or something like that, but apparently, seller does house calls, which I was not expecting at all.  Of course, knowing how I am with strangers, I acted a little lost.  I opened the gate and saw this college girl in uniform with the planners, and I was so surprised I just gave the money, took the planners, then closed the gate and got back in the house.  The most conversation we had went like this:

"You're the girl teach talked with about the planner?"

"Yup."

"Ok.  Here's the money.  Bye."

I didn't even bother to ask if the girl knows her way out of the subdivision (she came in riding the trike).

Someone showed me this site, Ashop, a shopping cart software.  Now when I hear shopping cart software, what comes to mind would be those "add to cart" links.  Apparently, it's pretty easy to set-up those kind of things, although slightly expensive.  And how cool is it to have this imaginary conversation with your imaginary friend:

"Hey!  I opened my own store."

"Really?  Where?"

"It's global!"

"Yeah?  So where is it???"

"In the world wide web!"

ok, so maybe it's bordering on loser-talk, but the whole thing is still cool. LOLz.

so second day, and we finally made my bed.  in my room!  i have my own room! gah! the pump was manual and it was TIRING!

this would be me on the pump.

strange i'm covering my face this time.  i knoes!  it's just that i look seriously stupid, and i can't make my face look half-way decent while doing the pump... so, let's keep it covered.

haven't done lots yet, and still some work to cover, but i will get it done soon to get on with the fun.

couldn't really write much... things to do, things to do.  so until i have more time...

this little piggy went to faraway.

this little piggy stayed with friend.

this little piggy needed to study.

this little piggy had fun.

and this little piggy cried "wee, wee, wee, i soon would need to go home".

This is a very late comment on the whole Malou Fernandez's article in Manila Standard, "The Problem with Blogging".  You know, the woman who got sort of infamous in the blogging universe for her tactless write-up about the OFWs?

So the last "latest thing" was her "no I'm not being bitter" attack on the bloggers. 

This is how much not bitter she is:

Before I go any further I must stress the point that this is not about my previous issue, but simply the point of view of someone who has been a victim of vicious blogging and blogging as a new communication medium.

And again here:

...again, I repeat this is not a reaction toward my past actions.

And yet again:

I suppose I started some kind of trend by eliciting nasty comments and reactions via blog because of my indiscretion. But it seems to be a comfortable medium for people to vent their anger on just about everything they disagree with. I have been called an irresponsible journalist so what does that make you? It is easy to hide under the guise of anonymity you can say just about   anything you want because you have no repercussions to deal with. It’s easy to hide behind a false moniker isn’t it?

And the last one I'm including in my list:

Just a thought to ponder on... Maybe I should start an anonymous blog and really let go...

Makes you think, right?  This girl isn't really bitter with the reactions she got from her previous post.  Not at all.

Right now, she got herself aimed at bloggers in general.  I will not attempt to do a grammar Nazi check on her article, given my syntax is most probably as messed up.  But I don't think she fully grasped the whole concept of blogging in general.

So let me continue, first of all I believe in the freedom of speech. By all means say what you need to say. Unfortunately for most of the bloggers without advertising you get paid nothing. If in fact you do get paid then hooray for you. But blogging, aside from Perez Hilton and the other big time bloggers (you know who you are) is for me a slacker job or a medium and pastime for lonely people to connect. Unless you’re in bloody Siberia or in a Gulag prison, try stepping outside your comfort zone and turn off the laptop or pc, you just might find some real live people to talk to instead of typing away in cyberspace.

First of all, to blog is essentially the whole point of blogging.  I don't think bloggers became bloggers because they wanted to get paid to blog.  This is not work.  This is not a job you do because you need to pay the bills.  You don't say, when I grow up, I want to be a blogger.  You blog for a number of reasons, but I don't think money usually makes the top three for most people.  Okay, so I don't have the statistics to back me up on this.  This is mainly me throwing my assumption to the general public.  Blog for money is icing on the cake.  Sure, there are many "advertise on blogs" from numerous companies.  And it's actually fun to earn some.  You can post advertisements, or get paid for blogging like with using Smorty's.  You pick your choice of thing to write about, you write about it, and hopefully your article gets approved and paid.  But again, the thing is, you don't just blog for that.  She actually got something right, it is a pastime.  But in my personal opinion, its been a long time since the whole Internet has gotten off the whole stigma of being the venue where "lonely people" connect.  Who said everything has to be done personally when things are more efficient done over the Internet?  And don't you actually talk to real people when you're on the Internet?  Sure, there are still a few kooks out there who make up their make believe world with their make persona's; but seriously, you don't meet those kinds in "real life"?

Then there was her comment about comparing bloggers with journalists:

The difference between a journalist and a blogger is that journalists have to adhere to certain guidelines that govern the freedom of speech. And whatever a journalist chooses to write about—be it popular or unpopular—we do not hide behind an anonymous name and are resigned to the fact that we have to take as much as we dish out. However, I simply detest people who place vicious comments and slanderous statements in blogs yet sign their messages as ‘anonymous.’ If you have something to say, don’t hide behind a false name. It’s just plain cowardice of you to do so. I have more of a deep sense of respect for those—however unpopular or vicious their statements are—who post their views with their real names and make no   bones about it. At least they stand for something; I would rather take it from them than the cowards that hide behind false names.

In case you haven't noticed, the whole "freedom of speech" thing has been horribly, horribly misinterpreted and abused by journalists.  Tell me you haven't read a tabloid doing an expose on the dirt of some famous person?  They are still called journalist right?  Blogging is all about giving out your opinions, and posting it for public viewing.  But who says only those with degrees and gets published in decent newspapers can dish out their opinions.  That is what writers in the "Life and Entertainment" section does right?

To end this very long post, I would just like to clarify that although I disagree with her in most points, I can't really say that she should stop writing because I find her opinion idiotic.  I have very high tolerance for differing opinions.  You're practicing your freedom of speech, and I'm practicing mine.

What do you think?

because i do live up to my end like this, i tried ben & jerry's chubby hubby, with photos as proof:

forgot to post the "after" pics, so included four "before" instead. lolz.

years and years ago, the dream was simple:

a husband, a few kids, a house in the suburbs.  think stepford. 

i wanted to be a part-time house wife (quite possibly with an MA). 

part-time coz i have the best kind of job ever! i have the option to work weekday mornings, then stay home after; or work twice a week, on my own time.  i'm still working, but i get to be hands-on on the kiddies as well, which would be perfect.  forget household chores though, unless knowing how to operate the microwave, washing machine and vacuum cleaner, and washing dishes are the only chores needing to be done.  but i think i would do pretty well with the kiddies.  a little ob-c and slightly paranoid and neurotic, but good.

unfortunately, i realized that it's much much easier to find jobs than a decent boyfriend; let alone a marriage partner.

woke up the other day craving for bacons.  unfortunately, since our planning is pretty off, we forgot to defrost the night before, so we just had to cook the whole pack.

does this not scream heart attack???

the day was mostly spent getting kooky, and having girly fun.  so of course we just had to play dress up.

this would be friend complaining of having NOTHING to wear.

can you say stupid schoolgirl shit? lolz

naturally, there was videoke.  which hopefully did not lead to the snowing yesterday.  brr...

and that would be me, trying to cook diner.

gad! i look awful!  can you say nooo assets whatsoever.  the layered look does absolutely nothing on me... 'cept make me look like a boy.  in pink.  ok, so maybe gay.  and i think my side view's fat.  ok.  i'm anorexic.  this i a cry for help.

and then there was the baking.  which was actually fun.  and non-scary.

i know this looks breakfast, but we got really hungry around midnight again, so this would be midnight snack. tee-hee.

i think i drag weirdness around me.

friend i'm living with broke up with bf of almost 8 years because of our late night long conversations.  i think bf will kill me when he sees me. dammit. i have to get her suff from him when i come back.  must remember to bring bodyguard(s).

ok, so i wasn't really the major influence.  i think.  but i was pretty blunt, and i think it sortof kinda' stuck.  but seriously, the thing just took its sweet time coming.  it was bound to happen.

and no, i'm not feeling guilty.  i did not break a perfectly good relationship.

and i did not encourage the going out with new guy.  although i admit i pretended to be her and did the texting back (with her blessings of course!) when guy was "drunk" texting her (which i honestly think was just an excuse in case his flirting lands him in an awkward place of nowhere near her), which led to them getting chummier than usual and the "dating".  but i'm still happy she's with new hunk now with to-lust-for-chest, and adorable sweety-ness.

so maybe i actually did a good thing...

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

how hard was it not to let me know?  seriously?  careful what you say.  i'm not as slow as you think with the uptake.  it would've been perfectly good.  i am in dire need of sins of the flesh. hahaha!

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

so i have gone through the whole range of rain, snow, hail and sunny weather in a span of one hour, driving from one city to the next.  how fucked up the weather is that?

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

ok, so maybe i'm missing you.  not that i lack "conversation".  but i do miss the texting.  and the calls.  slight.  i can still deal without it for the next two weeks without giving in to impulse.  i think...

i think i may have the perfect excuse in case i can't be monogamous.  (of course, perfect and logical are two words that does not go together in the same sentence in my world.)

i can't really say i'm monogamous, simply because my capability to be one has never really been challenged as of yet.  in other words, i've never been in a relationship long enough to be tempted to stray.

i could say i'm sexually monogamous.  meaning, i've been sticking to one gender for the past years.  no, of course, i don't mean that idiot.  and no, i don't mean i'm bisexual either.  as far as i know, i'm still pretty straight.   

and yes, being "on a break" is a valid excuse.  love you if you get this.

so going back, here's a little info about me we all know, but i need to reiterate.  i'm an obsessive attention whore who also happens to be slightly hyperactive.  being with just one guy will drive said guy insane.  seriously.  i've yet to meet a guy who actually understands my constant need for attention (except for ex on our first year together, after that it was pretty much touch and go), and can handle how much attention i'm giving him.  i give boatloads of attention.  it comes in waves, and eventually you'll drown in it.

i ask too much, i give too much.  moderation never existed in my vocabulary.  guys tend to suffocate under this intensity.

solution:

have two guys around.  divided attention so i can dish out just enough for one person to handle.  plus, having two guys mean more attention to me, so i get what i want.  in the spirit of being sexually monogamous, just do one guy.  have the other guy get his carnal fix somewhere else.

everybody happy.

i can use the adobo excuse, but it's such a guy cliche.  i want something girly and slightly crazy.

there's a flaw here somewhere i can't put my finger on though...