my first communion

Every atheist has a deconversion story. Through all my years of blogging, I had never written one until now. So here it is finally

My deconversion story is a rather boring one. It’s probably more of an explanation than a story. There was no specific person or argument that de-converted me. There was no sudden realization. No soul searching happened. There was only a very gradual change in my way of thinking. For me, it was like a part of growing up. Like losing my belief in Santa

I think I may have always had atheistic inclinations. Even when I was religious my sense of amazement never had any spiritual context. I noticed that with a lot of theists (not all), whenever they’re filled with a sense of wonder about the cosmos, when they see particularly awe inspiring visions like a beautiful sunset, images of nebulae or when they’re confronted by an emotionally moving moment, they’re overcome by feelings of spiritual upliftment. That is a feeling that’s alien to me. I was always filled with a sense of wonder but it rarely had any element of spirituality, even when I still believed in a creator. I’ve been “spiritually challenged” for as far back as I can remember.

I guess that’s also the reason why losing my faith was so easy and uneventful for me.I never had the need for it. I never felt that my life wouldn’t have meaning without a sentient, supernatural creator. I never felt that I needed to be guided morally or in any other way by such an entity.

I was born into a Roman Catholic family, though my parents weren’t exactly what I would call religious. My father almost never goes to church unless he really has to. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say things that a lot of Filipino Christians say like “let’s leave it up to god” or “trust in god’s judgment”. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen him pray and I don’t remember him ever telling us that prayers could solve anything. He believes in a creator but I think he also believes that man makes his own fate.

I became an atheist pretty early in my life. I think I was about 9 or 11. As a child, I never read any book that explicitly advocated atheism. I didn’t read Dawkins and I wasn’t even aware of his work until I was already an atheist. Until now I still haven’t read “The God Delusion”. My reading material then consisted mostly of science books and journals. I bought copies of discover, scienfitic American, nature, discover, astronomy etc. every month. There was not a single article there that explicitly advocated atheism

One of my earliest memories of being a nonbeliever was when I was in grade 6. I remember having debates with my classmates then, who ironically listened to death metal and had Satanist symbols on their notebooks. You must be beyond evil if the Satanists are holier than thou. My last memory of being religious was 2-3 years earlier. I remember having a private teacher who was fanatically religious. I remember her saying silly things like “If evolution were true, why do we still have monkeys” Since (Read More)